I took a 100mg quitiepene on Friday. Usually I have a tolerance for the medication even if it’s been a long time since using it. But teamed with my slight over use of codeine, my increased alcohol, the overwhelming stress and anxiety and the slight relief that things are finally moving and the lingering cold symptoms I collapsed and slept almost comatose. I have been oblivious to everything around me. Dreams vivid, the outside world could have been destroyed and I would have slept through it.
Some of the dreams were nightmares, into dark reaches of my mind. Grabbed, pawed at, clothes pulled off of me despite my pleas, my body jerking me almost awake, cries and screams caught in my throat. My husband may or may not have been beside me. Either sleeping through as usual or in the living room happily conjoined with his iPhone. Either way, a misery I endured terrified alone. Other dreams confrontation with my parents, watching a plane crash and helping survivors and finding the dead while being painfully injured myself. All so vivid.
But I slept, my stressed brain making movie reels presumable to offset the stress in my real life. Relive pain and torture, confusion.
On the very few times I awoke I stumbled to the bathroom, or took a swig of soda which I spilt almost every time, then sleep grabbed me again. No idea on times, days, not caring. Just needing that shut down.
At times I might have liked to reach for my husband in fear but I saw the glow of his phone and knew he was busy so felt it a necessary part of my minds journey to get through it alone. Prove that the nightmares weren’t going to render me paralysed and fearful.
It’s now Sunday lunch time, my longest period of consciousness although I might still not remember writing this later. My body aches from lying here so long. I feel spacey. Some of my dreams stick in my mind, wondering how on earth they got there, what triggered those stories.
I think I missed taking my medication yesterday morning. I hope the side effects won’t hit me tomorrow.
I’d promised my daughter I’d take her to the movies this weekend but I can’t drive as I am. I feel guilty for letting her down.
But for the last week I have fantasised about booking a hotel and putting a ‘do not disturb’ on the door and just sleeping. My nights are so bad, my body so drained. Seems my body took its chance to shut down.
At the moment I don’t feel refreshed, I hope that will come. I still feel a bit confused, I feel weary and I feel unsure.
My body not quite mine, although when does it ever feel like that?
My mind an odd blur of mixed dreams and feelings and confusion.
Not sure where I stand in the world.
A slight headache presumably from dehydration.
I sense I’m slightly down. Perhaps to be expected with strong fatigue.
I hope I can feel the benefit, I hope my brain took what it needed. I hope I have once again done the right thing.