Something feels wrong. I felt validated, I felt open. But now there is nothing. My new medication is at therapeutic level and it’s taken the edge off of my low – which is great. But now I feel the urge to drink more. I’m taking codeine and Valium with great gusto and I’m smoking more than I ever have.
My daughter has been home because of her arm so I’ve had no brain down time. A terrible storm has been whipping the house for days. It’s noisy, it rocks the bed, feels like the house might implode.
My husband is busy at work, busy with friends arranging things, I’m pleased for him he deserves it but I’m reminded of the terrible inconvenience I am to him.
My routines stay strictly the same. I have no desire to move out of comfort zones. I only seek further comfort in a drink and a smoke and bottles of pills.
I feel like a fraud. I claimed a victory, a change, an opportunity for a new beginning but now I’m terribly overwhelmed. I don’t know what the future holds. My feelings are stuck, lodged in my heart and throat. The weather is unpredictable and angry. Noisy, damaging. I’m safe in my house hearing it. But the storm is inside of me. I don’t know how to articulate my feelings of fear and anxiety. I don’t know how to react. There is a tiredness most likely exacerbated by the drugs. I need sleep but still I’m so tired.
Memories swirl painfully, body memories painfully take hold, but when I take the pills or swallow the sweet drink I garner sweet relief.
I’m not sure what my purpose is any more. I’m not sure if I’m becoming someone or losing myself.
Days roll into each other. A smokey haze. I forget things, I repeat myself, I’m not really in the moment at all.
I think I’m going mad. I had hope, now I have nothing. And what’s worse is that this decline into the numb state of nothingness is not worth fighting any more. I simply don’t matter.