Wrong

Something feels wrong. I felt validated, I felt open. But now there is nothing. My new medication is at therapeutic level and it’s taken the edge off of my low – which is great. But now I feel the urge to drink more. I’m taking codeine and Valium with great gusto and I’m smoking more than I ever have.

My daughter has been home because of her arm so I’ve had no brain down time. A terrible storm has been whipping the house for days. It’s noisy, it rocks the bed, feels like the house might implode. 

My husband is busy at work, busy with friends arranging things, I’m pleased for him he deserves it but I’m reminded of the terrible inconvenience I am to him.

My routines stay strictly the same. I have no desire to move out of comfort zones. I only seek further comfort in a drink and a smoke and bottles of pills.

I feel like a fraud. I claimed a victory, a change, an opportunity for a new beginning but now I’m terribly overwhelmed. I don’t know what the future holds. My feelings are stuck, lodged in my heart and throat. The weather is unpredictable and angry. Noisy, damaging. I’m safe in my house hearing it. But the storm is inside of me. I don’t know how to articulate my feelings of fear and anxiety. I don’t know how to react. There is a tiredness most likely exacerbated by the drugs. I need sleep but still I’m so tired.

Memories swirl painfully, body memories painfully take hold, but when I take the pills or swallow the sweet drink I garner sweet relief.

I’m not sure what my purpose is any more. I’m not sure if I’m becoming someone or losing myself.

Days roll into each other. A smokey haze. I forget things, I repeat myself, I’m not really in the moment at all.

I think I’m going mad. I had hope, now I have nothing. And what’s worse is that this decline into the numb state of nothingness is not worth fighting any more. I simply don’t matter.

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8 thoughts on “Wrong

  1. I think that you are judging how your husband feels incorrectly. He wants to help you because he loves you, and so I don’t think you are an inconvenience to him at all. Nor are you a fraud, you relapsed, and now you have to pick yourself back up. It happens to all of us. There is no such thing as an “end” to your mental health problems. Behaviors will continue to try and come back, but eventually, you can build up the tolerance to just push away the urge, to resist it. You do matter. You are important to your daughter, and your husband. I don’t know if you are suicidal, but you seem to have lost sight of how they might feel if you died, and I urge to remind yourself of how devastated they would be if you weren’t around. I think that you know all of this inside of yourself, but I hope that this reminder might give you some hope.

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    1. Thank you for comment, wise words. I do get so lost in my feelings it’s easy to consider my family would be better without me eventually as I cause such negativity and inconsistency and general inconsideration. But the impact of parent suicide is so damaging to children. And they do give me the strength to keep on.

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  2. Hi I will be doing the Good Bye Pork Pie Charity Run at Easter Time, this is a great charity that supports less advantaged kids at school by supplying food and cloths. Karen and I would love your support. I will be doing the North Island part. Karen’s Mini top speed is 80Kms and when the car is flying at this amazing speed it sounds like the digestive tract of a Titanosaurus. If you click on the PDF message you will see a donation site, this site will automatically register that the donation was made by our team. I will be posting regular updates of our progress at Easter so you can keep track of our adventure. Each car (60 cars in total) have been tasked with donating $2000. Could you please pass this on to your friends and hopefully we will be able to raise $2000. Linda Ps If you don’t donate I will send the boarder terriers around to your house to stay the week.

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