The judge as this point has granted the summons to go out to the offender and feels that there is a case to pursue. The news was a relief following a four day intense migraine and anxiety that was unbelievable. I spent my days taking painkillers and Valium trying to deal with the pain and anxiety.
It’s still complicated because the Crown Prosecution Service (state) can still step in at any time and either take over or try and quash the case. But at least another judge has seen my evidence and heard me. He saw my story, he acknowledged the case, he saw the potential for justice. A hurdle was overcome.
I had a conference call with my lawyer the following night to understand the next processes and he also wanted to check in and see if I could essentially handle this. Knowing the strain I’ve been under already. I told him that this is my last chance, I want justice, what happened to me was wrong. I know it’s going to be hard but I’m focussed. As I said it, I believed it.
The last few days I’ve been numb. Bearing in mind these conversations and life changing news happens at night.
I saw my therapist on Thursday and it was really hard. She asked me about who I was before it happened and it got me thinking about the girl I used to be. Out riding my bike, riding horses, out with friends, enjoying school, loved my family, felt safe, my world was happy. I’m sure there were ‘moments’ but I trusted by parents. I trusted people. I enjoyed my life. Then after what happened my world became dark and gloomy. I didn’t trust. My parents didn’t protect me, they didn’t help me or save me. I didn’t ride my bike anymore. I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t trust anyone. I didn’t know my own body. Everything was different and I was alone.
It felt hard to confront that. To feel those feelings of a lost little girl again. Stunted in emotion.
And the anger and self hatred and shame that was planted. The self harming, seeing myself as so ugly, so full of shame, so worthless. Not deserving of respect from anyone. Looking in the mirror and crying at the monster I saw looking back at me. Everyday the same blackness, every night the same nightmares.
We talked about my parents, how they physically and emotionally moved away from me at that time. Maybe out of fear, out of not knowing what to say or do. Mum changing my wet sheets without a word. My nightmares going unspoken about. The school talking about my bad grades and poor behaviour being put down to childhood rebellion. Mum seeing some self harm scars and me telling her I fell. Even though they were clear lines of a razor.
Everyone blind. Every choosing blindness.
Me feeling at fault. Confused. Lame, useless. Repulsive.
I didn’t cry in therapy although I felt immense sadness. It’s been engrained in me to withhold emotion. Aside from anger which I can’t control well.
Right now I feel in limbo. I’m grateful for the news. But I’m scared. I’m scared of reliving things, scared of not getting closure.
I need to be there for my children. I can’t let this take over. I don’t want to fail them. I have enough guilt as it is.
I feel as though I’m on a new journey.
New medication, new therapist, new legal fight. I have no idea how I’m making every day. But I’m going to just keep going – see where it takes me.