I don’t know what I’m doing, what I’m feeling, what I’m supposed to be doing. This week has been suspended in time. My movements and thoughts in autopilot. Someone could ask me the day, the time, the year and frankly I’d have no idea. Nor would I care to know.
My first bite of reality came on Thursday. My middle daughter had fallen from the monkey bars at after school care. It was late afternoon and everyone felt it was a nasty sprain. We opted to let her get some rest rather than spend the entire night in the emergency room and see how she was in the morning. The morning she was still sore, swollen and couldn’t move her fingers. I had a tremendous migraine but wasn’t willing to leave my little girl so had my husband drive us to the hospital. An x-Ray revealed a fracture. We were there for four hours so were glad we hadn’t taken her in the night. She was incredibly brave. She had a cast put on and we promised her lunch and a few goodies.
On Saturday I took her and my youngest daughter to get their hair done as previously promised. My migraine still present and so painful I was jacked up painkillers. But if my daughter could be so resilient, so could I. I got my favourite nail girls to make her nails extra special, then we went clothes shopping to accomodate the new cast. That certainly pepped her up. By the end of the day she was tired though and had wanted to dance and play with her sisters but her cast felt heavy and the forewarned swelling had begun. She felt miserable and forlorn. I tried to comfort her and reassure her it was only temporary. I wished it was my arm. I hate to see my daughter in pain. She’s such an energetic, happy bouncy girl.
My migraine hasn’t relented. I’ve taken every medication I possibly can, in fact I’m sure if it wasn’t for my robust disposition most people would have keeled over by now.
The reason for the agony is that I will be hearing soon from my lawyer the outcome of the oral submissions to the Judge as to whether my case will go to trial or not.
That means my final attempt at justice will reach an end. I’m less confident as time has gone by. I have less faith in the justice system than ever before and I fear my pain of reliving this trauma will be nothing. Again.
I know that with the resolution it will be time for me to move on, to start really healing and leaving the past behind.
I have an excellent counsellor now, I’ve seen her twice now and I think she’s a good fit. She’s direct, honest and has a methodology to chisel deep into the heart of my trauma – which will be hard but needed. It’s time.
So I’m giving the energy I have to my children, but for me, life is in limbo. I am not living, I am waiting and I have no control. I have no faith and I have no hope for justice. I feel my pain is worthless, that I don’t matter. That I’m a tiny bug in someone’s really busy day of more important things.
I can’t express how much it hurts to know that after all I’ve been through, still no one cares enough to hear me.
But at some point I have to let it go.
I will have my worst fears confirmed soon.
In the meantime I look to my children for their inspiring strength and resilience.