Sometimes I get so god damn angry. This rage builds so internally like a volcano, my body holds onto the tense emotion, the fury, the anguish, the fear and sense of self pity, self loathing. All balled together. A fire deep within me. How it’s expressed can vary, but today it manifested into a painful debilitating migraine. Different from the others. Different in that I could feel the seething rotten anger behind my eyes, but the migraine was almost a protection from stopping me from doing anything about it.
I slept it off. But when I awoke the irritation remained. My frustrations, my deep rooted anger, unleashed, unforgiving, misdirected anger. But my body is tired. My mind flashes hot, but I’m drained.
Is this mental illness or the stress? Or both? I don’t want anybody around me. No one can comfort or cool me down. Over the last few days I’ve noticed I’ve started grinding my jaw. That’s a new thing. My husband does this thing where he acts all surprised, as though I have absolutely no reason in the world to be angry. As though any change in emotion comes as a complete shock. It makes me feel more frustrated. Why can’t I be fucking stressed and angry? Must I be at a plateau all the time?
My sleep is shot to pieces. I’m relying more on sleeping tablets – dangerous game. I’m so fucking tired but my brain is too stressed and the nightmares are relentless.
Periods of feeling numb and disassociated are happening more frequently and they’re welcomed albeit unnerving. I can go hours without clicking a single minute of what I’m doing. It’s all fine until I have to pull on a conversation I had, remember an appointment or lose time.
In my head I can imagine smashing things, hitting people (in a fight – not random), I imagine screaming and shouting until my voice is almost gone. I want to throw things across the room, punch a wall until my knuckles are bloody and broken. But my body is a dead weight. The fury is in my mind. I’m scared to release what’s inside. It’s why my tears are short bursts. It’s why I disassociate, why I’d rather take a blade to my own skin. And why my head hurts. Why my body memories come back so painfully.
The only knack I have is for taking out my irritation and pushing people away.
Everything else I do is internalised.
Everything ounce of pain and anger is in me. The people around me get the mere tip of the iceberg.