Last night, well, I had interactions regarding the UK. Away in Rororua I felt stressed. I felt alone, unsure. I reached out to some people from the old days, I posted a note on Facebook declaring my misery – so against the engrained ‘don’t make anything public’ upbringing I’ve been taught to believe. Then I had a shitty text from someone within NZ. A professional thing, a situation I had to placate. All before I had gotten out of bed. My mood was miserable, drained.
Of course it doesn’t help that people don’t know the current stress I’m under. So I suppose to that extent I’m making my parents proud on that front!
I curled up under the sheets. I wondered where I would get the strength from, what’s the point? And who cares? Then I thought, NO. I’m away, in this beautiful cottage in a place I love and my dog NEEDS a walk and the sun is shining. Autumn is a beautiful season. Crisp blue skies. Chilling clear air. I threw on my clothes, loaded the dog in the car and we went to the lake, which in the morning was quiet.
Due to my facebook status I received messages from concerned friends. Genuine care and encouragement. It warmed me. It spurred me on. I like to believe I’m a tough, independent woman and I don’t NEED anyone, but I do. When I’m in the dark I listen for voices and when I’m drowning, although I want to give in to the strong tide, I can hold on to those arms around me.
My dog swam around cheerily. Oblivious to my inner turmoil. But grateful for the location and watching me for the odd thrown stick or change in direction. The sun felt warm and the peace was calming. I felt safe and in the present.
After I dropped the dog home and headed into town I opted to get a ‘moko’ done. A traditional Maori tattoo. It’s a story told in patterns and swirls. Everything represents something. Usually it’s about whakapapa (genealogy). As I consider NZ my home I have wanted something like this for some time. My other tattoos represent my story in art work. But I want the Maori translation. I spoke to a fantastic guy and summarised my story. I wanted to encompass things like, trauma, trouble times, but also better times, strength, courage, protection, etc. there are limits to the translation but he depicted my wishes beautifully. In traditional colours. It was quite emotional for me. Every detail means something. A story, a representation personal to me. And having it here in Rotorua a place special to me at this time makes it even more special.
This afternoon I feel tired and a bit lost. I miss my children. Their warmth and energy.
I feel overwhelmed by events. Lonely that I can’t really discuss it.
I feel like I’d appreciate someone telling me how I should be feeling and what I should be thinking and doing, so that I don’t have to work it out, if that makes sense?
Anyway, my tattoo, on right leg inner calf above my ankle,