There are things going on that are integral to the reasons for the peak in PTSD symptoms and for taking this break but I still can’t mention it yet – I hate holding back on writing something that’s having such an impact on me and could effectively help other people. But hopefully it’s just a matter of a couple of weeks. I’m trying to keep myself distracted and positive and manage the symptoms as best I can.
So I have been able to relax. I’ve done lots of walking, thanks to the dog. I probably wouldn’t have gotten out so much. I’ve seen some great places and felt comfortable. At night it’s been good knowing he’s around. The quiet has been nice, no expectations or demands. Just time to consider things or in fact consider nothing at all! I downloaded Netflix onto my MacBook and have watched a couple of movies.
My sleep, the first night was nightmares. Over and over and I woke a bit groggy. But I figure that was my brain working through everything. The nights have gotten better. My sleep is better. The bed is so comfy.
I do feel independent. I havent felt that way for a while – although technically I am, but I’m more running a routine.
I do miss my children though in a strange way! The quirkiness of them. The chaos. This is why these breaks are so important to me. Having the best of both worlds.
I don’t think I could function without an escape. My symptoms are too much. I need a reset button. I don’t want the children to see my meltdown.
My emotions still swing but there’s no one to witness them or bear the brunt of them more importantly.
I feel sad, scared, angry, lonely, frustrated, fed up, miserable, but here other feelings surface. I can be relaxed, feel nicely tired. I’m not tightly coiled, I’m not ready to lash out. I intend to appreciate that.
The Redwoods, native to California but here in Rotorua, stunning