So, I have arrived at my lovely little holiday home for a few days with my canine companion. Prior to leaving I met with my psychiatrist who would you believe told me he was rotating out of the position and there would be yet another person in his place. I’m not enjoying this frequent repitition of my history and medicine regime.
The appointment focused primarily on my symptoms of PTSD, the usual consensus of there not being a lot I can do about it applied. Although he felt that my planned time out would be useful, as my symptoms were really peaking and I’ve become in a rut. Aside from prescribing more diazapam and zopiclone, that was it, but hey, I’ll take the pills and run!
The drive – which took about around 7 hours wasn’t easy going with thick fog in parts and lots of heavy rain. Traffic dense in parts due to the Easter holidays and let’s not forget those nervous drivers slamming on the brakes every 5 minutes. The dog faired well though. Only in the last hour did he start to whine. But that might have been down to my singing. Or my road rage.
So the Bach is lovely. Rustic, opposite to my usual modern style but for that I love it more. It’s quaint and has a ‘house on the prairie’ feel. It has views on the lake but I arrived as it was getting dark so took only a couple of shots.
I did a grocery shop and felt calm and collected. I bought blankets for the dog and me, made a cup of tea (just for me!) and curled up to watch a DVD – how archaic! – no Netflix here! I chose The English Patient. Something beautiful, poignant.
Of course the dead of night has crept in quickly. Doing the lock checks has rendered the usual fears. Trying to consider how many outside lights to leave on – it’s a holiday home – too many brings attention, too little makes me vulnerable as my car is in the driveway. Checking all the windows are locked. I bought another torch, although I keep a steel one in the car and a maglite in my handbag, I can never have too many! Now I have another by the bed! It’s raining hard tonight and there’s lots of surrounding bush and the place is made of wood. So I need to learn the noises.
Of course it helps immensely that my dog looks intimidating. His bark is loud. But he’s following me around totally unsure of what to do with himself. And I’m afraid he’s been relegated out of the bedroom tonight. I brought his bed with him and its outside my door.
I hope that this initial anxiety comes as its a new place and I’m settling. I need to relax. I have no demanding and screaming children. I’m in a place I love and I can just take my time and be anonymous.
Thats the thing with PTSD, it never takes a holiday.
I would like to take a walk tomorrow, I would like to try and be ordinary while I’m here and not feel in a constant state of fear. I’m trying to create a sense of safety for myself. My soul and my brain yearn for peace from trauma.