Group therapy and a plea

Today I had the monthly group session. It was both a relief and isolating. I heard things I could relate to but still felt unable to share at any depth my own suffering. Instead hiding behind humour, and a general flippancy.

When I returned home the girls had expressed a fleeting interest in changing the room dynamics. I was all over it. I needed the distraction. I wanted to keep busy, physically pushing myself and keeping my mind active as well. I didn’t want touch, I didn’t want conversation, I didn’t want to replay the conversations in group. I didn’t want to hear my own thoughts, feel my own feelings. I just wanted to move furniture, think about what would look nice where and make the rooms look nice for the children.

All the while I am ever aware of the creeping sense of loneliness. The divide between me and the world is greater. I’m not sure where to turn. 

I feel such a great weight pushing down on me, yet the expectation to remain normal as constant. I am putting out the right signs aside from the odd cracks. The escaping tear, the snapping mood. Each symptom met with stunned surprise. A sleeping, contented cat that suddenly hisses when touched. Where did that come from? But I’m far from the contented cat. My heart breaks, it tears, it bleeds. The days are long. My soul is in pain. Everyday incurs a memory. A ghosts whisper. An image so clear as though it occurred yesterday. 

‘Its ok, your safe’ – rapist

‘I’m sorry for hurting you, let me kiss it better’ – rapist

The unimaginable pain, searing through me. The weight on top of me. The loss of dignity, the shame.

Then my ex teaching me to fight him off, if I didn’t fight hard enough I wanted it. 

Pinning me down. 

Waking up with his hands around my throat

Waking up with him fucking me like a dog. My words being lost into the darkness.

Repeatedly I have been told and made to feel worthless. My own father called me a slut.

And now this tumbles around my mind. Taunting me. Reminding me of my small worth.

I was raped because I was weak. I was beaten because I was pathetic. Because I was deserving. Because it’s what I knew.

I’m so tired. I would like to grieve. I would like the pain and suffering to end. I want the nightmares both at night and during the day to end.

I want peace. Please.

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5 thoughts on “Group therapy and a plea

  1. “I was raped because HE was weak. I was beaten because HE was pathetic. I was’t deserving. It’s what I knew.”
    Even your father made you feel bad? The most important figurehead representing males in your life to come out of childhood…One word like that can scald a child. Takes a thousand positives to erase one verbally abusive word such as that. You will have to give yourself those positives. I’m working on it too, even now.
    Peace to you, I so wish that for you.

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  2. You were attacked because they were weak, pathetic and undeserving.

    Your father sounds like an AH.

    I think you may need to talk about your reality, ‘make the outsides match the insides’ in order to heal. Though I relate to the shying away and wishing that what is isn’t so.

    take care

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  3. Nobody can talk you out of intrusive thoughts than demean and deflate you but I hope there comes a day when you can move past them and move on knowing consciously that it’s the abusers, not you. You are valuable and deserve support at your group, I hope you can open up and talk about it, sometimes it helps as you must know. May you find the peace you need and deserve.

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  4. You pain is so vivid & I understand that pain all too well. You are a survivor and dealing with the pain & shame that doesn’t belong to you… It belongs to him. I have to say this to myself too often! HE was weak, HE was pathetic and he made you feel low, worthless and deserving… He stole things from you. You’ve struggled with AH men and the debris they’ve left on your soul. You are digging up from the rubble and it’s painful. The living is so hard, but you have those babies as anchors to hold you here… I hate that you are so much in pain, but we are here praying for your soul to feel peace. You aren’t alone.
    Hugs…
    Hope

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