Today I had the monthly group session. It was both a relief and isolating. I heard things I could relate to but still felt unable to share at any depth my own suffering. Instead hiding behind humour, and a general flippancy.
When I returned home the girls had expressed a fleeting interest in changing the room dynamics. I was all over it. I needed the distraction. I wanted to keep busy, physically pushing myself and keeping my mind active as well. I didn’t want touch, I didn’t want conversation, I didn’t want to replay the conversations in group. I didn’t want to hear my own thoughts, feel my own feelings. I just wanted to move furniture, think about what would look nice where and make the rooms look nice for the children.
All the while I am ever aware of the creeping sense of loneliness. The divide between me and the world is greater. I’m not sure where to turn.
I feel such a great weight pushing down on me, yet the expectation to remain normal as constant. I am putting out the right signs aside from the odd cracks. The escaping tear, the snapping mood. Each symptom met with stunned surprise. A sleeping, contented cat that suddenly hisses when touched. Where did that come from? But I’m far from the contented cat. My heart breaks, it tears, it bleeds. The days are long. My soul is in pain. Everyday incurs a memory. A ghosts whisper. An image so clear as though it occurred yesterday.
‘Its ok, your safe’ – rapist
‘I’m sorry for hurting you, let me kiss it better’ – rapist
The unimaginable pain, searing through me. The weight on top of me. The loss of dignity, the shame.
Then my ex teaching me to fight him off, if I didn’t fight hard enough I wanted it.
Pinning me down.
Waking up with his hands around my throat
Waking up with him fucking me like a dog. My words being lost into the darkness.
Repeatedly I have been told and made to feel worthless. My own father called me a slut.
And now this tumbles around my mind. Taunting me. Reminding me of my small worth.
I was raped because I was weak. I was beaten because I was pathetic. Because I was deserving. Because it’s what I knew.
I’m so tired. I would like to grieve. I would like the pain and suffering to end. I want the nightmares both at night and during the day to end.
I want peace. Please.