hating myself

Today I self harmed. But in a promise to myself I kept it light and small. Yay me! The blade was a relief to me. At last a platform, an outlet, an old comfort. The fight of the urge finally lost. The bitter sweet release was a welcome. 

Another failure?

When I look in the mirror it’s like using a circus mirror. My face is distorted. Uneven, twisted, ugly. Am I morphing into something? Do people wince when they look at me? My body is ageing and not well with time. My breasts sag from feeding four babies. My stomach looks like it was got at by a tiger, who also tried to pull my skin off and left it sagging. Buffalo Bill could have made some clothes and a handbag line out of my skin. And my legs aside from my tattoos, are boring and shapeless.

As for my private region, it never feels clean enough. It disgusts me. Every smear I imagine the dr or nurse thinking it’s the strangest looking one they’ve ever seen. I get waxed because it helps in my pursuit of cleanliness. I didn’t like men seeing it before I was married, ever. Even now I don’t like my husband seeing it. I hate it.

I hate my personality. I’m too assertive at times. I’m too quirky, too odd. I’m hard to get along with. But I can be far too trusting. I make wrong judgement calls all the time. 

I hate taking all these medications.

I hate that my parents don’t try and love me and accept me.

Is it me? Did they just look at me and think, no, too much?

I feel like I don’t belong in this world. I’m just trying to find a niche part for me. But to date, I’m still looking. People close ranks and are keen to let me know when I don’t belong.

I feel like I’m always on the verge of being attacked again. Like I let off a silent beacon. Invade me, violate me, hurt me. I am after all destined to be pulled down. Into the mouths of hell.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “hating myself

  1. I hate “liking” a post when I mean for the “like” to be viewed as an acknowledgment of your pain. You, my friend, are NOT alone. I was sexually assaulted and raped when I was 14. The psychological impact of these events still lingers and I’m in my 40s. I completely understand your sexual disconnect with your husband, and have had many conversations with my husband about my lack of desire not for him, but for the act. I struggle with an eating disorder as well.

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and if you felt you needed to cut, so be it. You know why you did it. It’s hard to stop the coping mechanism you’ve used for years. I just had my first breakthrough on the weekend. You have been shamed, but you do not have to feel ashamed – they are two different things. You have survived and continue to fight. Be proud.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your post is almost another self-harm… And it hurts to read & know you feel this way. I know you are hurting & hating so much about yourself & the world. I’m so very sorry. You are worth more than you see… You shine light on my darkness so often & I hate that you are in such pain. I understand the cutting–I am feeling the same right now. Be kind to yourself, please. I’m sending thoughts of peace & hugs to you with prayers that you find some peace in these days. Know you are not alone–never alone.

    Like

  3. You are not the mistakes you have made. You are not what people have told you that you are or the label that the world has put on you. There is more to you and more to life. There is beauty in the suffering. There is strength found in pain. There is a purpose. You designed for so much greater than what you are living in. Don’t settle for this as your destiny.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s