My husband has been gone all weekend and it’s been particularly harder than usual. The kids have really pushed and everything has been a battle. Meals, sleep, baths, tidying. It’s been nonstop. And as I’ve only just battled this migraine and my anxiety has peaked, the timing couldn’t be worse. A few times I ended up just plain shouting. The internal voices telling me what a failure of a mother I was and how I couldn’t even manage my own children.
I couldn’t wait until this morning when I could drop them at school. Even that wasn’t easy. My eldest informing me last minute her shoe was broken. I had to tell her to go in trainers and I’d buy more later. We ended up really late in all the dramas.
I then drove to the mall, bought the shoes no problem and wandered around to check out a few other things I needed. It was quite quiet at that time and I wasn’t in any rush. I guess I just misjudged my mood or capacity to be in a mall without consideration as it was last minute. My first sense that something was amiss was when I got stuck on an escalator behind some doddery old people, and knowing the route, I knew I wouldn’t get past them for a while without shoving one against a wall. As I finally saw a bid for freedom they stopped randomly and I just had muster the politest voice I had to asked to be excused. Not their fault at all, but I just hate feeling trapped. Then I couldn’t find what I was looking for and started ransacking the shelves in frustration. While doing so, a man came and stood really close to me looking for something. I mean, FUCKING WAIT!!!! Don’t get so close I can smell your ball bag. I just wanted to ram my elbow into him and shout.
The sense of being trapped, of having no personal space was too much. And I realised I was the other end of the mall from my car. And how much oxygen gets into a mall anyway? I felt hot, I felt exposed and I felt vulnerable. Were people looking at me sensing that?
As I headed back I thought, no. I can’t do this. I won’t be a slave to this today. I was so thirsty my mouth felt like sandpaper. I was finally free of the kids. I wanted some time out. So I ducked into a cafe in the mall and got a pot of tea. The concept of stopping like that is alien to me. I like to keep on the move. But i needed to sit and calm down and quench my thirst.
I’m so glad I was able to do that. To calm myself. To realise I was in control. I was able to calmly head back to my car and head home and have more energy than usual.
Unfortunately since being home I’ve checked the news. There is an article referring to a famous case of a woman raped and murdered in Australia- Jill Meagher. A priest has said if she had more faith in her life and hadn’t have been out in Sydney at 3am she wouldn’t have been raped and murdered. And this is what we should be teaching our kids. How disgusting. How ignorant and how sad for her family.
Then I saw on Facebook a friend of mine has put a link about oral sex. It’s completely innocent but for me its triggering. For me it’s dirty, shameful, uncomfortable and disgusting. It conjures up painful memories. Unwanted memories. I clicked the ‘I don’t want to see this’ option. No one would be any the wiser of the effect that something like that would have on me.
The trigger of the hospital, the panic of just dealing with stressful situations. At the moment I feel very unsure of myself.
I’m happy that I was able to take back some control today. But sad to see more triggers later on. It just never ends.