I’m a great believer in bringing attention to the plight and awareness of people with mental illness. It’s actually why I started the blog in the first place. A place to squirrel away my fears, my madness, my failings, my concerns, my battles with medication, therapists and psychiatrists.
To look at me I’m an extroverted character. Confident and assertive. A mother of four. I look after my home and I’m seemingly ‘together.’
Not many would guess the truth beneath my facade. Until bits started leaking out over social media. Until I simply didn’t want to deny who I was anymore. That some days – I didn’t want to get up. I had been hospitalised a few times. I don’t always have the will to live.
But more than that I have periods of mania, where I think I’m god like. Where I’ve gone out drinking all night. Acting like I’m single. When I’m so rude and obnoxious my husband has to deal with this horrible diva.
The bipolar is controlled finally with the right combination of medications and we all watch my moods like an eagle. But the side effects are grim.
Then there’s the PTSD. The at times, debilitating anxiety, panic attacks, the nightmares and disorientation. The fears that can’t be rationalised or reasoned. There’s no drugs for that. Sometimes there’s a hug, often not a touch.
My days are stumbled through. Smiles so well rehearsed my muscles form them without instruction. I take a pile of medications like an elderly person would. My liver is all but hanging on. My brain often muddles things up.
I probably go to bed more times hoping I won’t wake up than most. But I’m too scared to take my own life.
I love my family. My children bring me such joy. I realise I by no means have a hard life. In fact I have an enviable life. But unfortunately my brain doesn’t tick over with comparison. In fact I feel more guilt and shame for my feelings.
It’s a lonely existence. People that walk the path they look at you, and they just know.
Others, they want you so badly to change.
For me, I feel I carry a demon in my soul. I would like people to know just how hard it is, how soul destroying it is to live with a broken soul.
“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”