I have hit a wall both physically and emotionally. I have a cold and I’m absolutely exhausted. The kind of exhaustion that has rendered me completely useless and almost bed bound. I haven’t known tiredness like it for a long time. With it, I’m confused, cold, disoriented, and when I think I must get up, I decide I just need 10 more minutes, and it easily turns into another hour. My dreams are all extremely vivid. Odd, and in them I’m usually barely able to move as my awake body is reflected in my dreams. I hope the vivid and confusing dreams are my brain’s way of healing from the stress.
I don’t ever get to feel at peace. I never feel relaxed. I never ‘chill out’ I do things that should make me feel that way, like watching a movie, reading a book, having a bath, etc. but I never switch off. My mind and body are always alert. Listening out for a threat, thinking about my past, tense and ready for action. I don’t get massages because I don’t like to be touched, and yes I walk the dog but that makes me extremely tense. Shopping is great but like anything being in public is incredibly stressful and anxiety provoking. I am my own bodyguard. Out for dinner with my husband on the rare occasion I have felt so uncomfortable we have left restaurants, or I have become to attuned to drunk patrons near us. There’s only a handful of places I actually feel safe going and then we need to be able to get a park pretty much outside.
I live in a state of anxiety and hyper fuelled energy all the time. When one of my children is injured i demand to know by whom in such a way they prefer their father picking them up in such instances to avoid the showdown.
To be honest, the safest I feel is in my car. Because it’s a moving bubble. Because I can listen to music and be alone and not see or hear anyone (aside from obviously other drivers – I pay due care and attention!). There is always the promise of driving away. Following a road away. No one knows me in my car. No one car see my sad eyes or know I’m terrified of the world outside. I am one of many little ants scurrying about.
But of course driving in itself is tiring. That’s the kicker.
And on a day like today I’m far to unwell and exhausted to get behind the wheel.
So getting into this state is obviously my body’s way of saying I need rest. I need time out and I need sleep. The only way to get shut down is to become ill.
There aren’t many people in this world that will understand that.