Last night was a bad night. I felt physically ill, yet I knew the symptoms were from the thoughts in my mind that had plagued me all day. Body memories, heightened anxiety and stress. A feeling of being unsafe. My stomach felt twisted in knots. I could hear every sound like a wolf. My body felt bruised as it relived old traumas. By the time I crawled into bed – a significantly early night for me, I was shivering, both in fear and pain. I like to sleep with windows open and my fan on no matter the season. But last night I was just too cold, too sore, curled tight in a ball. I had to ask my husband to close everything. I didn’t want to move. Usually if I get cold I snuggle into his deeply sleeping body for warmth. But I didn’t want to go anywhere near him.
I would drift off in sheer exhaustion but then jump awake in fear. Not sure where I was. I couldn’t identify the man sleeping next to me. I felt alone. Vulnerable. And the pain kept coming. At one point my husband got up to go to the loo, I hoped he wasn’t naked as I peered over the covers. And in his absence I began to wonder what was he doing in there? Would he come back to bed and try to fuck me? Should I pretend to be asleep or let him know I’m awake? What’s better for me? Why was I so scared of my husband? He’s just a big goofy teddy bear. But last night it all felt unknown.
Finally as I watched the sunrise my husband’s alarm went off and I was immediately thrown into a flashback with my ex’s hands around my throat.
I didn’t tell my husband. As he showered and got ready I went off to get the kids up and ready, putting on a facade that everything was normal. That I was ok.
A brief text exchange between my husband and I made it clear that there was a disconnect so he asked me what was wrong. I took the easy option and text him about my night. Still feeling quite shut down.
I decided to leave the house as being alone with my thoughts probably wasn’t healthy. I headed to the mall, but drifted. My mind wasn’t really there. Then i went for a mani/pedi and the girl chatted brightly and enthusiastically about things. Nothing took. I was drained. I felt like I would drain her too.
I’ve achieved nothing today. I’m not sure what last night was about but I hope there isn’t a repeat. My body is feeling less like mine. I hurt.