I don’t know how to feel. Numb has been the ruler of the day.

Last night wasn’t good despite a sleeping tablet. I woke often in a nightmare, thinking I was elsewhere, thinking someone was near the bed or outside the ranch slider. Always a threatening presence.

I’m so tired today. I sleep on and off. Losing time. Consider things to do, but never get anywhere. My mind floats to the dark places, but then a numbness takes hold. Then a tiredness envelopes me and I drift off. That is my pattern for the day. The threat of a headache pulses at my brain, which will turn into a migraine. It’s the stress and the unrelenting tapping of suppressed pain and memories that want acknowledgement. I have a pill for that too.

The sky looks blue from my window and I can hear the cicadas, but I’m so cold. I wrap myself up tightly in my quilt.

A door creaks, or a truck outside makes a noise and I jump. I’m fearful of the slightest noise. But my trusty dog is here. If he doesn’t flinch – neither should I.

So this numbness. My body has chosen it’s defence mechanism. I know I should probably be screaming and crying and banging the walls, sobbing into a pillow, doing something? But I’ve never been allowed to show emotion before. It’s always been a weakness. And I’ve never been comfortable with it either.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. So I will lie here and sleep. Or stare at the ceiling. I don’t want the memories. I don’t want the pain. I don’t want the tears or the talking.

Tomorrow I will remember how the next day (20 years ago) I went to the clinic, but tomorrow I have my psychiatrist appointment so there won’t be time to lie in bed, although I anticipate the same numbness.

I just want to feel normal again.

I don’t want to get stuck.


3 thoughts on “Today

  1. I hate so very much this numbness and that you are in so much pain. I wish there were words to soften your pain and release you from this weight. These days are so long and dark, but know that you aren’t alone. Share your pain & fears with us & allow us to help carry you. I’m sending you peace & ((hugs)) & prayer for light.

    Liked by 1 person

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