The wind has been howling the last couple of days. Angry, unpredictable, battering the house. The sky has been overcast. It’s gloomy. Feels uncertain. Uncomfortable. Summer has come to an immediate halt. A weather system has taken its place at the moment.
It reflects my sombre mood. It reflects my anger, my brooding, my sense of dread. The wind catches my breath and the breathlessness I’m all too aware of. Danger and a sense of foreboding. There are noises all around me, hard to gauge. Shadows dance mercilessly around me like demons when night falls. As lights flicker I fear the loss of power, the plunge into darkness. The place where monsters will have full run of me.
I sleep a lot during the days now. The will to get up is dwindling. I feel less like I’m part of this world. Every night my nightmares bring terror. I wake with a headache and exhausted. Miserable. My tummy is painful everyday. I have had a bug since Fiji that won’t go. My body has given up fighting it.
I went through legal stuff yesterday from the police investigation. Might as well do it now while I’m already living it. The things I read seemed like they happened to someone else. Who else could live through that nightmare? The shoddy police work? The words written and questions asked by me, clearly so desperate for peace, for answers. Of which I never got.
I closed down facebook. I don’t want to risk the triggers. I gave a goodbye status. Explained things were difficult right now. I had an incredible show of support. Messages of concern and expressions of love. It was quite unexpected and humbling. The people you think are going to be there for you, tend to back away, but then there’s others, some least expected as well that offer words of comfort.
Very few people know the truth. I don’t feel able to discuss it. It’s not that I don’t trust people, it’s just I don’t want to burden them. And it is a burden. It’s too much for anyone to handle. To date my husband is the only one that has bared it all. I have no idea why.
So bed is where I choose to be for now. With the wind howling at me. I am alone with my thoughts. Alone in my world.