I recognise my undoing as the horrible date creeps closer is letting the mundane stressors accumulate so I feel a loss of control. I react too emotionally to otherwise small events or inconveniences and take otherwise trivial occurrences personally. Recognising this I made a silent promise to myself to rise above. To see anything on the build up for what it is. Incidental and insignificant.
Great in theory.
My other burning pit of anxiety has been the actual date. As I mentioned previously my brain has religiously every year blocked the date. I have just known the month (Feb) but related it to my birthday which I don’t celebrate in early March. Last year I specifically looked up the date going through police communication. The theory there was to own the date. In fact what happened was for the two weeks prior and at least three weeks after I was a complete mess. Total car wreck. This year I decided not to look, but I found these two dates getting confused in my head. Thinking I had appointments, messing the days around. Screwing up the correlation between my diary and iPhone. Feeling a terrible sense of unease. In the end I decided I had to know as not knowing was becoming just as bad. Of the two dates – consecutive, the one that seemed to come up most is the anniversary date. Turns out my brain decided not to shield me entirely after all. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Somehow better that I know but I also have this awful feeling like I’m on a roller coaster and I’m reaching the peak but I’ve decided I want to get off. I am breathless, I am terrified, I have no control, no voice, I know what’s coming and there’s nothing I can do about it. But my god I wish someone would pluck me out of the God damn seat.
Meanwhile I’ve already gotten into confrontation, or rather tried to avoid confrontation with someone that worked for me. I wanted things to end amicably but this other person was defensive. I handled things as best I could and I believe quite well considering I can be quite the hot head. Then I’d ordered something and paid for it and the company initially said they hadn’t received payment. This is a trivial issue. It was a credit card payment and easily traceable. But I could feel the anxiety. That sense of things closing in. It’s the small things. The mundane things. Any other time – fine. But now, it’s starting to feel overwhelming.
I’m not sleeping too well. I’m more jumpy. More tearful. I’m trying to stop it. Trying to control it but it runs away from me. I don’t like the weakness. I don’t like the fear.
My throat constricts so easily now. It gets harder to swallow. I worry about being out and not being able to swallow and then panicking about that. It’s a vicious cycle.
I ducked out to get some migraine medicine last night. I’m used to my freedom. I needed gas, figured I’d grab a car wash to. What was I thinking?? It was so dark. I’m usually uncomfortable in the dark, but I’m not that bad especially down the road at my local service station IN my car!
I can’t explain to anyone what I’m feeling right now. My mood is stable which is really good. It’s the anxiety. The sadness and pain of an injustice and a brutal attack from the past. It doesn’t get easier.
At least my understanding of what I’m experiencing gets better. I begin to expect it now. A part of me is forever ruined.