2014 is closing in (I’m in NZ so of course we’ll see it first). I haven’t blogged for a while. It seems that so much was happening I was waiting for a good stop point to write retrospectively. New Year’s Eve seems the best place to start. An obligatory year end blog.
I don’t intend to reflect on the past year. Like the last couple of years before it’s been difficult, filled with lessons, painful hits, regrets, periods of wondering if it will ever end. Like most people I’m hopeful that the new year will bring peace, luck, better fortune. But I’m not overly optimistic. I’m perhaps more dedicated to hard work, more realistic about where Im at. More able to verbalise my truths, my pain, my struggles.
This month we bought a beautiful house. It feels like home. It has a great feel about it. The views are fantastic. I have a base that I’m happy within. It feels safe. I do get nightmares, but I manage them, I deal with my anxiety. I can’t be anywhere without nightmares. I’m enrolled back into university next year. I have a direction. A purpose.
I’ve argued with Jeans about a couple of missed appointments. It’s blown out of proportion, so I haven’t had therapy for about three weeks. It’s left a hole in my progress. I had been doing such confronting, painful work. Facing my demons. But it’s stopped and I feel in limbo. I will of course tend to this situation. But I’m frustrated with myself and I suppose at him. Why must everything be so complicated?
My psychiatrist has left and has referred me to her colleague. Unfortunately I won’t get to see this person until mid February. My mood feels stable and I keep popping the pills. But there’s the anxiety of having to form a relationship with a new dr, a new way of doing things. A person I need to trust to manage my illness with, my medication regime with. To understand that I’ve managed this for years now. To see me as a person, not a mass of symptoms.
My children have managed to get into the classes they wanted next year – funny that! 😉
My parents actually acknowledged that I was alive this xmas by sending a hamper to me (to an old address – the courier called me). I was quite surprised. The attached note read they hoped I could ‘move on.’ I assume that means from dealing with the rape, the police investigation and my mental illness which are all such a terrible burden to my family to ACKNOWLEDGE (not even support). I feel their bitterness, ignorance, lack human decency to much to bear in my life. I sent an email expressing my gratitude at the gift and left it there. How could I possibly respond to such a loaded greeting card? Sometimes in life, you just have to quit toxic people – even when it’s family.
So here I am, rape survivor, domestic violence survivor, bipolar nutcase, mother, wife, daughter, scared of clowns, addicted to coke zero, sing really loudly (and badly!) in my car to everything, sitting on my couch in my lovely home. Hoping for a healing and peaceful 2015 and wishing everyone else the same!