Bad day

Today is a write off. My throat is tight so air feels minimal. I feel unsafe. Although I didn’t have nightmares in the obvious sense I had clear dreams about losing control of my body, nearly falling overboard on a ship into black water, getting trapped in a small room and having to claw my way out of it, pulling it apart piece by piece – yeah, my brain made it easy on me to work out. But the feelings in the dream weren’t comfortable. Fortunately my husband was able to drive the kids to school. He had not long left when the first tidal wave of anxiety hit me like a freight train. In this instance I went for the diazapam.

Throughout the day I’ve suffered a debilitating migraine, panic attacks threatening to come on, only controlled by keeping up diazapam. At one point memories seeped through my brain and the sense of darkness and despair and the insidious shame was too much. I fleetingly considered self harm. I pictured myself doing it, the blade, the release, but after so long? I know how hard it is to stop doing that once you go down that track. I want an escape, a release from the pain – conversely, I can’t stand the memory and the shame. The sense of suffocation. But i retreated to my bedroom. I have spent the entire day in my bedroom. The laundry isn’t done, the dishwasher isn’t unstacked and reloaded. There were things I was going to do today. But I failed. I just want to be in my bedroom right now.

Have I failed? Have I let it get to me?

I feel afraid. I feel alone. I feel scared of my own shadow. I feel angry. Why don’t I get to live my life?

My breathing is rapid again. I’m sad. I’m in pain.

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6 thoughts on “Bad day

  1. You doing great penny
    slowly gently my friend just look after this piece of you ..keeping up with meds and keeping warm. .going to your room keeping yourself in safe familiar surroundings are just about getting through. .it will pass.
    Sending love and hugs
    lis

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  2. You haven’t failed. Not at all. I know it’s lonely and scary. I spend so many days lately not cleaning up, not cooking, not doing anything, just hiding in my closet in my bedroom. I understand. Sitting with you. xx

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    1. Thank you Alice. Its hard to imagine that anyone can feel like this. Im supposed to be an adult, a mother, a woman, a wife. But today i have felt like a child, but weak and lost. I hate this. The fall out from disclosing from yesterday. The pain unbearable. No one would suspect in my real life. I hide the truth in my blog. Here i can be honest. And here i have found kinship. Your words mean a lot. Thank you Alice xxx

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      1. I’m really glad you have a place to be honest. It’s amazing how many of us feel different on the inside than we look on the outside. Disclosing is painful. I think, for me, anyways, it has gotten easier a little, because I see that Bea doesn’t change her opinion of me, she treats me the same no matter what I have told her, and I have started to feel less and less alone the more I have talked to her. I hope today is better for you, but if it isn’t, that’s okay. I have had weeks where I hid out. xx

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