Today’s therapy session was excruciating. It started off so light, talking about my week, general updates, etc. there were silences there led me into a false sense of security. Jeans sat patiently, he seemed very in tune with me. He knew I was thinking of things and knew I was feeling. He gently coaxed me. I found myself drawn to discuss the shame surrounding my attack. Most specifically a part of the attack that he did as a way to apologise for ‘hurting me.’ It’s been my biggest struggle to reconcile. The confusion, shame, disgust, anger, repulsion, sadness, isolation. Only previously discussed with the police and CPS, it’s something I keep buried deep and I’m unable to go into details here as well. I’m ashamed, embarrassed and uncomfortable. Perhaps most damaged by this.
I started to dissociate to such a degree that the room lost colour, and I felt the threat of passing out.
I fought it. I realise I need to feel.
But the shame is so painful. I wanted to disappear. Curl into a ball.
I hate myself.
I hate my body.
To verbalise this today was painful beyond belief. Painful and uncomfortable. I felt the room becoming ugly, the words were twisted and vile.
I felt anger when I reflected that he goes on to live normally, whereas I need therapy. Where I have anxiety and fears, where my life is dark, where my body is tainted. The anger was raw, powerful. I recognise the anger as the misplaced, misdirected anger that flares up when I sense I’m losing control. It bubbled under the surface. Pushed harder I knew it would explode. Because I carry hate in my soul.
The sadness is there, but it’s long since lost. The tears don’t fall anymore. They don’t know how to. Ignored and told to go away for so long when I was young. They have no place now. So while I feel sad, it’s hard to express that. But I’m sad. I ache for the loss of my childhood. I ache for what could have been, I ache for the options taken away. I’m sad for the girl inside. Lost and confused.
But the battle for justice can’t be fought anymore. He goes on.
I need peace and I need to be open about these things, face these things. Get what’s in my brain out in the open.
Today was excruciating.
I left the session in a numb and slightly disoriented state. I’m so tired.
I wish someone could take it all away.