My marriage is an odd bag of companionship, friendship, old school values of not wanting to give up, born out of romantic inclinations, accidental pregnancies and convenient marriage. Two souls that seemed to fit so well, why not settle and make the damn thing work?!
Usually it plods along. Commonalities keeping the status quo. Quiet respect and regard for each other maintains the equilibrium required for a ‘healthy’ marriage.
Although individually we are such different people.
He is laid back, considered, calculated. Highly intelligent, articulate, well mannered, self controlled, committed and to an extent loyal.
I am spontaneous, at times wild. Have issues with authority. Think on my feet, consider the consequences later.
Sometimes there is a balance.
Often there is a clash.
Each accusing the other of holding the other back.
Truth be told, given the opportunity again, neither would take the same path.
I am difficult, I make no denial that my mood swings are hard to live with. My past becomes a noose around everyones necks. I am fearful and I don’t trust. I don’t enjoy affection and yet I feel so down on myself. Im not disillusioned, I am the worst soul mate.
I can wallow in self loathing, and struggle to breathe with all my anxiety.
I’m not sure there would be a partner built for such emotional storms.
If there is, it’s unlikely the life partner that I’ve chosen.
So as we ride the storms out for however long we last, I’m just grateful that we had our beautiful children. And that even if it ends, it can be amicable.
I tire of facades and I tire of untruths. Love alone is never enough.