Mess

Wednesday night I had another nightmare. Graphic and upsetting. On Thursday morning I told my husband and he took the unusual step of asking about it. To see if there were memories attached. I appreciated that, I didn’t want to hide from it and usually neither of us have the guts to face it or deal with the consequences.

I felt raw, sad and quite spacey. Getting the kids ready was hard, I really wanted to stay in bed and sleep, hide.

I had a hair appointment first. So of course it was all smiles and benign chatter. You’d never guess I had anything going on in my life. Drinking coffee, flicking through magazines. I’m so trained to act normal. I’ve been doing it so long.

Then onto therapy. It was pouring with rain. Freezing cold. I arrived early and sat hidden in the tea room. Shunning the lounge area. But people kept coming in and chatting to me. I felt exposed in there. I wish I could have shut myself in a cupboard. The ability to be cheerful and normal gets tiring and too robotic.

My therapist ‘jeans’ arrived. Laid back and cheerful. There was a part of me that wanted to just breeze through the session, avoid the tough stuff. He asked if my childhood had been ‘gnarly’ and I decided, it’s now or never. So I gave him the briefest summary with no nasty words to fill him in. Then i disassociated. It happened to such a degree I thought I was going to pass out. It took a while to be grounded again.

I’m just hurting so much and I feel so alone. I feel like no one understands. Every morning I have to do this routine with the kids and every evening is the same. Last night (Thursday) I was too tired and too fed up so I just went straight to bed. I have no way to recharge myself. I have thoughts that go around my head like a tumble dryer.

No one understands my pain, my fear, my loneliness. It feels like I could be plucked up and dumped in the middle of a desert and I would feel exactly the same.

How can anyone give me the answers if no one understands?

How can I ever move forward if I’m perpetually stuck?

Some days are worse than others. Currently I’m going through this period where all that is wrong and bad and sick within me is at the surface. Nightmares, flashbacks, fears, anxiety, loneliness, sadness, anger, confusion, terror, hypervigilance, pain – it’s there, right there. It’s consumed me.

I’m so alone with this right now. And I’m so scared. I have some ability to protect myself with ‘shutting down’ but I’m afraid of what I see in my dreams and I’m terrified of the memories.

I don’t want to hurt like this. And I don’t want to feel so alone all the time.

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11 thoughts on “Mess

  1. I’m sorry you are hurting so much right now. You made it though the day, you made it to therapy, those are good things. You told “Jeans” a brief summary of your childhood, that is HUGE, and good. It means that when you are ready to talk, he will know some of the background already. Give yourself some time to trust him. It will come.

    I will post a picture of the “nightmare protocol” on my blog for you, okay? It might help. Worth a try, anyway. Bea likes it, we used it for my last nightmare, the memory one that was so bad. It helped, in a way. The protocol can be used for flashbacks, too, I believe. I’ll post it in a bit.

    You aren’t alone. I know what it feels like to be where you are.

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  2. Taking the steps you did today were great! We just go through the motions until we learn to feel something other than depressed and numb. You are not alone. The last thing one thinks about when depressed is self-care…you did take steps to care for your body, even if it didnt feel “happy”. sending positive thought your way

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  3. Did ‘jeans’ really use the word, ‘gnarly’? : ) Did you feel he listened well? Did he offer some helpful responses?

    Feeling alone is one of the toughest things I’ve had to cope with over the years. Writing the book began to relieve some of it. No child turned woman should have to keep all that inside. And discovering this community, sad at is that so many are harmed this way, has opened up communication on a level others I know in my day to day life just don’t understand because their childhoods weren’t violently ripped away. (when I say violent that includes soft whispers of ‘love’ and ‘your special’)

    If this helps, I have to tell myself many, many times on some days when the mass of emotions and wildness invade me, “You’re OK, you’re OK, you’re Ok.” I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it helps me. There’s always work to do!

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    1. Thank you! To be honest ive been so busy with the kids ive not had time to think or physically be alone. There is a definite sharp point in my heart and i know something has shifted – i know i need to do more. I need to get on top on my demons. At the moment I’m merely scraping by on autopilot. Thank you for thinking of me x

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