Wednesday night I had another nightmare. Graphic and upsetting. On Thursday morning I told my husband and he took the unusual step of asking about it. To see if there were memories attached. I appreciated that, I didn’t want to hide from it and usually neither of us have the guts to face it or deal with the consequences.
I felt raw, sad and quite spacey. Getting the kids ready was hard, I really wanted to stay in bed and sleep, hide.
I had a hair appointment first. So of course it was all smiles and benign chatter. You’d never guess I had anything going on in my life. Drinking coffee, flicking through magazines. I’m so trained to act normal. I’ve been doing it so long.
Then onto therapy. It was pouring with rain. Freezing cold. I arrived early and sat hidden in the tea room. Shunning the lounge area. But people kept coming in and chatting to me. I felt exposed in there. I wish I could have shut myself in a cupboard. The ability to be cheerful and normal gets tiring and too robotic.
My therapist ‘jeans’ arrived. Laid back and cheerful. There was a part of me that wanted to just breeze through the session, avoid the tough stuff. He asked if my childhood had been ‘gnarly’ and I decided, it’s now or never. So I gave him the briefest summary with no nasty words to fill him in. Then i disassociated. It happened to such a degree I thought I was going to pass out. It took a while to be grounded again.
I’m just hurting so much and I feel so alone. I feel like no one understands. Every morning I have to do this routine with the kids and every evening is the same. Last night (Thursday) I was too tired and too fed up so I just went straight to bed. I have no way to recharge myself. I have thoughts that go around my head like a tumble dryer.
No one understands my pain, my fear, my loneliness. It feels like I could be plucked up and dumped in the middle of a desert and I would feel exactly the same.
How can anyone give me the answers if no one understands?
How can I ever move forward if I’m perpetually stuck?
Some days are worse than others. Currently I’m going through this period where all that is wrong and bad and sick within me is at the surface. Nightmares, flashbacks, fears, anxiety, loneliness, sadness, anger, confusion, terror, hypervigilance, pain – it’s there, right there. It’s consumed me.
I’m so alone with this right now. And I’m so scared. I have some ability to protect myself with ‘shutting down’ but I’m afraid of what I see in my dreams and I’m terrified of the memories.
I don’t want to hurt like this. And I don’t want to feel so alone all the time.