Last night I slept so much better. I dared to take a sleeping pill. I wasn’t taunted by nightmares. I was allowed a reprieve. My brain needed that peace.
My husband left work early yesterday. He eyed me curiously but carefully. Never touching me as per my wishes, never prying for fear of upsetting me and making me shut down. Just being around. His presence known. I know how hard it is for him and I’m grateful for him trying and for his patience, any other man would run a mile at such a difficult situation. He takes it in his stride. Waits patiently. Treads carefully. Knows my cues.
I didn’t want to lose it. I chose not to talk about any of it. It was still too overwhelming, painful.
Today I still have felt like I’m moving through mud, but at least with proper sleep I have energy. Without nightmares I don’t feel physically beaten down. I was late again getting the kids to school, it felt like I’d lost control of the military operation.
I wanted to keep busy when I got back to keep my mind busy, but there is little left to do and I’m worn out. My husband text me and told me to rest – which I feel guilty doing. But in the end I curled up with magazines. Not really reading because my brain won’t concentrate but looking at the images, trying to keep my brain clear.
My dog stays at my feet. Looking up at me as though he knows I’m rattled.
I have no desire to speak to anyone. I like being alone like this. Isolated, hidden. I’m not normal. I feel like a fake whenever I go out. The fake smile, the fake enthusiasm.
I am so tainted and damaged. I feel so sad and alone.
The urges to self harm are there but they have dampened down, I can fight them now. The feeling of panic will rise, my throat feels tight. My breathing is often too fast. The flashbacks, they keep creeping, I don’t want them. I don’t want those images.