I had a flashback today. When I become stressed and feel vulnerable they seem to come from nowhere and knock me sideways. Fortunately this one was not violent in nature, but incredibly graphic and emotive. I was for a few minutes, there.
Yesterday my husband and I argued. It was my second daughter’s birthday at the swimming pool. I don’t do parties, not even my child’s. I had hoped to escape early on but another parent stayed so I felt obliged. I was so aware of the stifling heat, I felt so trapped. My breathing felt laboured. My husband was in the pool so I couldn’t look to him to save me. Time scraped by so slowly. My entire body screamed to run. Finally after the kids returned to eat painfully slowly and parents arrived I could taste freedom. But then my kids wanted ice creams and treats and there was a line at the cafe and my husband isn’t exactly the fastest moving man. I just wanted to scream. I handed my older daughter his keys and phone and practically went running out into the car park fortunately we had taken two cars. I took the baby seat out of mine, put it next to his car and got in the peace and sanctity of my car. I knew I couldn’t just go, so I waited there trying to restore even breathing. As he approached with the kids I pointed to the car seat and put the car in reverse, he called me a non too flattering name which upset me greatly (and no it wasn’t ‘bitch’ I could have lived with that). I drove off upset.
And kept driving.
My initial idea was to drive far away until I was tired then sleep in the car. But as I kept going I reasoned, I don’t have my medication and really, how rational am I being? Does this mark the decline of an unwell woman? I don’t want to be irrational. Before I took my medication this is the sort of shit I used to pull, take off, go drinking or disappear for nights. To my own detriment.
I just needed to cool off.
I drove to another town and then decided to watch a movie. It happened to be a funny one. I called my husband after and we talked it through. Then I began my drive home. Glad that I’d decided to return.
He goes away next week to Australia, I’m not especially pleased! I find it stressful enough looking after the kids at the moment without any help. But now with my past still sitting there and no one to talk through things with I find it more of a worry. Again, I know I should be over this stuff. But there are triggers and things that people don’t understand.
So my flashback today so clear was of the day after. I know what I was wearing and I know where I was. My friend and I had just returned from the clinic. I was given these pills to take which would apparently prevent pregnancy. The things that struck me were, everything was the same, yet completely different. I seemed to have grown and yet become more of a child over night. My body felt hideous, clumsy, wrong. I felt more alone than I ever had at that moment. And these pills, so tiny, so plain, yet had huge ramifications that I didn’t truly understand. Everything felt so unreal and yet so painfully real at the same time. And most troubling of all – I couldn’t understand any of it. I didn’t think anyone would. Something had happened and I couldn’t explain and no one would know or understand.
In my flashback I could see myself sitting there on the outside step. Looking around. The tablets next to me. I could feel it. I could see the surroundings. I was young again. Small again. Scared again.
This is all things I need to get out and understand and work through.
I just feel very alone with it at the moment. Having my trust broken has effected me much more than I would ever have anticipated. I think it’s put me backwards.