Flashback and arguments

I had a flashback today. When I become stressed and feel vulnerable they seem to come from nowhere and knock me sideways. Fortunately this one was not violent in nature, but incredibly graphic and emotive. I was for a few minutes, there.

Yesterday my husband and I argued. It was my second daughter’s birthday at the swimming pool. I don’t do parties, not even my child’s. I had hoped to escape early on but another parent stayed so I felt obliged. I was so aware of the stifling heat, I felt so trapped. My breathing felt laboured. My husband was in the pool so I couldn’t look to him to save me. Time scraped by so slowly. My entire body screamed to run. Finally after the kids returned to eat painfully slowly and parents arrived I could taste freedom. But then my kids wanted ice creams and treats and there was a line at the cafe and my husband isn’t exactly the fastest moving man. I just wanted to scream. I handed my older daughter his keys and phone and practically went running out into the car park fortunately we had taken two cars. I took the baby seat out of mine, put it next to his car and got in the peace and sanctity of my car. I knew I couldn’t just go, so I waited there trying to restore even breathing. As he approached with the kids I pointed to the car seat and put the car in reverse, he called me a non too flattering name which upset me greatly (and no it wasn’t ‘bitch’ I could have lived with that). I drove off upset.

And kept driving.

My initial idea was to drive far away until I was tired then sleep in the car. But as I kept going I reasoned, I don’t have my medication and really, how rational am I being? Does this mark the decline of an unwell woman? I don’t want to be irrational. Before I took my medication this is the sort of shit I used to pull, take off, go drinking or disappear for nights. To my own detriment.

I just needed to cool off.

I drove to another town and then decided to watch a movie. It happened to be a funny one. I called my husband after and we talked it through. Then I began my drive home. Glad that I’d decided to return.

He goes away next week to Australia, I’m not especially pleased! I find it stressful enough looking after the kids at the moment without any help. But now with my past still sitting there and no one to talk through things with I find it more of a worry. Again, I know I should be over this stuff. But there are triggers and things that people don’t understand.

So my flashback today so clear was of the day after. I know what I was wearing and I know where I was. My friend and I had just returned from the clinic. I was given these pills to take which would apparently prevent pregnancy. The things that struck me were, everything was the same, yet completely different. I seemed to have grown and yet become more of a child over night. My body felt hideous, clumsy, wrong. I felt more alone than I ever had at that moment. And these pills, so tiny, so plain, yet had huge ramifications that I didn’t truly understand. Everything felt so unreal and yet so painfully real at the same time. And most troubling of all – I couldn’t understand any of it. I didn’t think anyone would. Something had happened and I couldn’t explain and no one would know or understand.

In my flashback I could see myself sitting there on the outside step. Looking around. The tablets next to me. I could feel it. I could see the surroundings. I was young again. Small again. Scared again.

This is all things I need to get out and understand and work through.

I just feel very alone with it at the moment. Having my trust broken has effected me much more than I would ever have anticipated. I think it’s put me backwards.

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3 thoughts on “Flashback and arguments

  1. I’m sorry you are so alone right now. Trust is so hard to give, and when it’s broken, it is the biggest heartbreak. I wish I could help to take away some of that pain.

    You are amazing, you keep going and caring for your family and yourself. You made a choice tonight to take care of yourself– to talk to your husband and to go home to take your medication after you had time to cool down. That is progress. Don’t forget that.

    I hope that you will reach out and try to trust again, to find a therapist again. You deserve to heal to get better. You have no reason to be over these things, they are traumas for a reason. Please be gentle with yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just the act of writing it and naming it takes away its power…you are so strong. Flashbacks and triggers send the hormones into high alert. One thing I was taught was to have an inner dialogue with my own mind…telling it that the incident is not a physical threat anymore…

    Peeling back those layers… sending loving thoughts…

    Like

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