The manager from the counselling centre called me out of the blue to discuss to my ‘decision’ to stop therapy for now. I was just driving home, and it really blind sided me. (I have a hands free kit before anyone comments on that!). I really grappled with what to say but in the end went for the truth. After the other therapist took calls my ability to trust properly was broken, being assigned a new therapist who subsequently cancelled due to sickness gave me a bad feeling. So I really felt I had no choice. I did elaborate further on the first therapist, her offloading a lot of her personal problems and receiving other calls and texts. I felt like a nark, but equally I decided that perhaps other clients might feel uncomfortable and need someone to speak out. Either way, she could benefit from more training.
The centre manager was really nice and apologetic. She offered to help but I just want to leave it. I don’t feel I could go back there.
Looking to the future I’m enrolled now for study in March and I’m excited although anxious and doubting my capabilities for that.
But not having a therapist is hard because things trigger me. Things get to me and upset me and it’s difficult because a therapist is really the only person that could understand that. Nightmares that stay with me during the day. Bursts of anger that I want to direct onto myself. Things can go around in my head on a loop driving me mad. Sometimes the tears well up, I feel lost and alone. I feel scared. I feel waves of panic, loss of control.
I’d like someone to listen to that, take it out of my head. I want someone to clear the bad bits away. I want to ask someone the questions over and over. Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me?
I want to sit somewhere safe and say, I feel dirty, I feel ashamed. I’m tainted. I’m different, I’m ruined. Fix me?
I want to blurt out all the disgusting things I have felt and experienced over and over in the hope that the insidious evil might leave my body and spread around the room to objects that will melt, become twisted revolting and unusable, unrecognisable.
I’d like a good therapist. I’d like to be heard.
I fear I’m becoming a little lost.