Feeling horrible

The manager from the counselling centre called me out of the blue to discuss to my ‘decision’ to stop therapy for now. I was just driving home, and it really blind sided me. (I have a hands free kit before anyone comments on that!). I really grappled with what to say but in the end went for the truth. After the other therapist took calls my ability to trust properly was broken, being assigned a new therapist who subsequently cancelled due to sickness gave me a bad feeling. So I really felt I had no choice. I did elaborate further on the first therapist, her offloading a lot of her personal problems and receiving other calls and texts. I felt like a nark, but equally I decided that perhaps other clients might feel uncomfortable and need someone to speak out. Either way, she could benefit from more training.

The centre manager was really nice and apologetic. She offered to help but I just want to leave it. I don’t feel I could go back there.

Looking to the future I’m enrolled now for study in March and I’m excited although anxious and doubting my capabilities for that.

But not having a therapist is hard because things trigger me. Things get to me and upset me and it’s difficult because a therapist is really the only person that could understand that. Nightmares that stay with me during the day. Bursts of anger that I want to direct onto myself. Things can go around in my head on a loop driving me mad. Sometimes the tears well up, I feel lost and alone. I feel scared. I feel waves of panic, loss of control.

I’d like someone to listen to that, take it out of my head. I want someone to clear the bad bits away. I want to ask someone the questions over and over. Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me?

I want to sit somewhere safe and say, I feel dirty, I feel ashamed. I’m tainted. I’m different, I’m ruined. Fix me?

I want to blurt out all the disgusting things I have felt and experienced over and over in the hope that the insidious evil might leave my body and spread around the room to objects that will melt, become twisted revolting and unusable, unrecognisable.

I’d like a good therapist. I’d like to be heard.

I fear I’m becoming a little lost.

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6 thoughts on “Feeling horrible

  1. I’m rather blown away you were able to voice your concerns to the center manager. That seems fantastically wonderful to me. It’s pretty late in life for me and speaking up is still hard except in writing or over the phone.
    I could not have managed my nursing job without a weekly safe place to unload and reload. Since you were able to speak your concerns to the manager, she might link you up with one of her best. Wouldn’t hurt to try again even if you had to try a few more of them. You have till March so good luck!!
    I forgot to mention on a previous comment when I was aghast at the therapist who took calls. That hit a sore spot with me. Though I knew it was wrong, wrong, wrong, when one I saw for 4 years began taking calls going through his divorce, it took me a full year after the call to his repairman before I was able to let go. I was so attached and had a high stress job. When I finally said, “No,” and didn’t return and softly over the phone said why, I soon after also let go of my job.
    But that’s ok. It was time to leave that job.
    Guess the point is, I so relate! The poison put inside me by others needed a place to be dumped! And therapy over the years was the place to dump it.

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  2. I’m so glad you stood up for yourself! You are not a nark, you did the right thing in this situation. 🙂
    Please don’t give up. There are good therapists out there. Like Grace said, maybe they would put you with their very best this time. Or, perhaps you could try a therapist at a different center? I just think you deserve more; don’t give up on yourself, okay?

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  3. Kudos for speaking up! I understand the need to do a “mind-dump”, a “brain download”… When I started therapy, I didn’t think I could go a day without sitting in her office. I was afraid… She gave me some tools-one of them being “tapping with Brad Yates” on YouTube. When I first did it, it felt silly, but it became a sanity saver… Writing helps too…while waiting for a good therapist to come into your life. Sending warm thoughts…💜

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  4. Wishing you well finding a therapist. Good ones are out there, but it does require a search in my experience. Not sure why you feel horrible, but I think you did the right thing speaking up to the manager.

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  5. I can so relate to not only feeling horrible but also to SO wanting to “blurt out all the disgusting things…” Isn’t that a weird feeling. I often wonder if I’d feel any better if I could do this. I hope that we are both able to test it out.

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