I just won’t have therapy.

My new therapist text to cancel our first appointment due to her being ill. The following Monday is a holiday. I’m sick of this. Unreliable, sickly therapists. I confirmed receipt of her text and said we’d leave it there. She told me she ‘appreciated my need to take a break from therapy for self care.’

WTF??!!!

Take a break? Love, I didn’t even get started!

You know I’m so fed up. Fine, fuck it, I’ll go back to what I’m best at, keeping it all inside.

I saw my psychiatrist today. At least psychiatrists seem able to keep appointments. I talked through my slip with my medication and how I managed it. The genuine fear of becoming unwell. My husband and I had watched a couple of horror movies over the weekend, by coincidence both involved rituals summoning evil demons. This is a real fear for me. When my lows reach psychotic level I fear demons coming for me. The movies terrified me and served as a reminder that I really don’t want to get to a point of needing hospitalisation. And although the highs seem appealing with the endless energy and almost super human powers – I’m not a nice person. I’m selfish, nasty, mean, and dangerous.

So I take accountability for looking after my mental health and I’m so lucky that good psychiatrists are easier to find.

But to have some support with the anxiety, the triggers, the nightmares, the PTSD, that would take a knowledgeable, patient and experienced therapist. That, it seems, I am not going to find.

My story stays within me. The broken glass that cuts me from within. The ugly shapes and unhealed scars. The cause of my tears and my silent pain through the night.

No he has no power over me. But the grief, the images, the confusion, the questions, the loneliness. I am alone with it all. Just as it was then, there is no escape.

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7 thoughts on “I just won’t have therapy.

  1. I’m really hoping you don’t give up. There are good therapists out there, I think it’s just hard to find them and to find a good fit sometimes. I’m not sure. You have really gotten the bottom of the barrel types, it seems, the really crappy ones….but please, don’t give up,on yourself. You really deserve to heal.

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  2. It was about this time of year five years ago after my mother died that I knew I needed to talk to someone. (again) I gathered a notebook and phonebook and began making a list. I called jotting down fees, etc. and noting the sound of their voice. Then I met one who allowed for a free 15 minute visit to see if I felt I could talk to her. Most probably don’t do that. But I guess my point is, make it an assignment and go to one appointment with the goal being to see how you feel and to see if they fit what you are looking for. And don’t give up! Sometimes number one works, and sometimes not which can be very discouraging. But regroup, try again! I don’t know if I’d made it without someone to talk to over the years. Good luck!

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  3. I’m just getting to read this and it makes me sad. I can so relate to the fear of the “demons” taking over. When things are fine they’re not really fine but at least I’m functioning. But there is always that fear that I will not be able to hang onto my sanity. So yes, wtf pretty much covers it. There was no break to be taken. Ughhh

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