It’s been a strange week so far. Reflecting, making decisions, coming to some realisations. For once as Spring brings its warmer sun I feel there are some brighter changes on the horizon.
Firstly I noticed I had become a bit careless with my medication regime. I had been so regimented at taking them in the mornings and ensuring I had plenty. But somehow, I guess with the holiday and sickness, it got slightly out of routine. I didn’t see it happening. But I noticed symptoms. Physical at first. Periods of dizziness and fleeting seconds of disorientation. It never occurred to me what it was. But then the irritability. The disturbed sleep and my thoughts getting faster, a little disjointed. I looked at my pill box one evening and was shocked to see missed days. How could I be so stupid? The reality of becoming unwell scared me. Starting with a new therapist and various stressors, it wouldn’t take a lot. Usually I would hide this from my husband and from everyone. Not until I was clearly very unwell would anyone know. But I’m not taking risks with my health. I explained to my husband what had happened. As a temporary measure I will start back on increased quietiepiene until I see my psychiatrist and can get my lithium levels checked and an overall review. I need to make sure I get my sleep back on track and watch for any symptoms. My husband is also good for looking out for anything unusual as well. I guess the important learning curve for me here is, my mental health is very important to me. In the past I’ve been flippant. But I really don’t want to become unwell again. I take responsibility for my health and that means being honest and being more careful. I can’t afford to take chances or miss a few days.
I’ve also been considering my long term objectives. My husband and I have discussed this at length and he agrees that now would be a good time for me to go back to full time study. I’m nervous but excited. It’s time to reeducate and focus on subjects that really interest and motivate me.
I’ve started swimming again. It was something I did regularly but haven’t done for a long time. It’s time to start looking at healthy ways to relax.
I guess I also found out recently that some friendships are not sustainable. Particularly if they are intrinsically linked to parts of the past that are best forgotten. It’s the whole ‘elephant in the room’ syndrome – sadly evil really is insidious and sometimes the wisest thing to do really is to leave well alone. To do otherwise is at your peril. In my case I suppose other than some (emotional) bruising I have finally realised – no one owns me anymore. I used to be so scared. What if this, what if that. But you know, it’s exhausting. And to be honest, the worst has happened.
So as I say, an odd week so far! But I’d like to consider it a positive one. I want to look forward to things. I want to manage things. I don’t want to be stressed, anxious, miserable, all the time.
I know I will have terrible days. Bed days as I call them. I will have this anxiety. But at least I’ve started learning something. That can only be a good thing.