I don’t remember names well at all. I try very hard, I even try those rhymes, blue eyed Belinda, big nosed Barry, but it still fails me. However I can remember all the other things. Marital status, kids, health problems, career aspirations, place of birth etc. and that’s even if I’ve only spoken to them for 10 minutes- I have a bit of a knack for this. People confide or I ask probing questions like a dog with a bone. My husband used to say the latter but he’s seen the way people talk to me. I think it’s because I genuinely don’t care for benign conversation. I care about people, I like to hear them, I like to listen, I like to know. From a store assistant, to my neighbour, to friends, to a stranger in the street. I think that’s why I often seek solace alone. I take on a lot of energy from people (my fault) I worry about people.
It’s not all altruistic, of course it’s a distraction from my own problems and issues.
Anyway, the point is, names. Seemingly so unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
Except when it comes to the family name of my attacker.
I’ve dealt with the first name, it’s unavoidable, it’s common. But hearing the last name is too much. Which fortunately isn’t common. Luckily I’ve blocked that family on Facebook. But someone I know is connected to a relative – by sheer coincidence. It’s caused ongoing anguish. Finally he’s told me he’s blocked the person (not the attacker but a relative). I think the anticipated reaction from me was that I’d be happy and we’d all move on.
But how can that be?? Hearing that name AGAIN. It’s like razor blades in my throat, hot blades in my heart, barb wire around my head. I wish I could simply ‘block’ a name from my head. And move on. But I can’t. That discussion alone will take weeks to purge from system.
The grit of shame, the memories are crawling over my skin already, the panic sits in my lungs.
The name is carbon monoxide- not literally 😀 I just mean it chokes me. The world stops spinning on its axis, everything feels wrong.
And for a brief moment I can hear the demons of hell tell me they wait for me.
I will never be free. I can try to exist and avoid the evil, but I know in my darkest times that it waits.