I received a call from my (now) former therapist this morning to reschedule our regular Thursday appointment due to illness – presumably she had not been informed of my decision. An hour or so later I received a text to apologise for the call during our last session. Stating family issues as the cause and the reason for her recent distraction. I feel a little ‘put out’ about this as her and I both know that she used her cell phone from the beginning of our counselling relationship and another call she took was from another client. But I’m not going to get into that because I feel like its nitpicking. Essentially she has been spoken to and has apologised and I appreciate that. I’m aware of most, if not all of her family issues because she often referred to them in our sessions. It became almost like a shared session, but towards the end she was undoubtedly distracted. And perhaps best placed to take time out.
I feel sad for her of course, she’s a nice woman and no family deserves unhappiness or stress.
Today I feel sad and unworthy. My previous therapist was never available when I needed her most – during anniversaries, forgetting dates, changing times, to the point that it became irregular and affected my family’s week, and i would hold so much back that my healing just seemed to stop. Now this therapist has been distracted by family issues and her own cell phone.
How can I not take this personally?
All my life my pain and hurt relating to my trauma has been stifled. No one wants to hear it. How can I let go if people just walk away? How can I trust if people let me down?
It’s like my inner voice is simply not meant to be heard. I don’t understand how I feel anymore. I don’t know how to cry. I don’t how how to express my fear or grief. I guess it was long enough ago – I should really just let it go. Who needs to hear it anyway?