I really appreciate the supportive comments I received on my last blog about the therapist taking a call during our session. After considering it, I decided I couldn’t move past it and decided to email the centre that I visit. I felt guilty for doing it but realised there was no was no way forward for me. I just sent a generic email requesting a recommendation for a new therapist as I felt this relationship had come to an end. However, she wanted more information about the reasons why, and I decided to elaborate, I wrote this;
“******* is lovely. A very warm person. But her using her cell phone during our sessions has really gotten to me. I’d prefer this stay between us. It might not matter to other people. Initially she told me it was to check the time. But the sound is on, she will receive texts and calls. Last session taking a call threw me off when I was opening up about something and I found it impossible to get back on track.
Some people probably wouldn’t mind that but I really struggle as it is to be open. A distraction like that left me feeling quite vulnerable and exposed. And I felt that because I hadn’t discussed the phone thing at the start I couldn’t discuss it then. On from that the relationship seems irreparable as I feel her experience of my experiences are a bit limited. There has been more of a lean towards depression – as I know that she suffers with that herself. But I need to work through all the trauma.
Anyway I hope that gives you more of a picture.
I’m sorry about this. I was eager to make this work and tried to throw everything at it. But now it’s feeling like I’m wasting everyone’s time and the call on Thursday was for me the final straw.
I look forward to hearing from you”
I feel pretty shitty actually that I wrote that to her manager. Like I’m making something out of nothing, but I really don’t feel I can carry on seeing this woman. I genuinely have felt that her knowledge base of my experiences has been a bit limited. It’s like the call has been the final straw for me.
Anyway, I haven’t heard anything yet.
Meanwhile now in therapy limbo I happened across this picture on Facebook:
I suddenly realised I had no idea what ‘he’ wore. I got so upset and mentioned it to my husband who in turn got upset because he hadn’t realised that I’d been asked what I wore – which of course is the standard questioning. I feel there’s a gaping hole in my memory. I feel sick. I’ve been trying to force it, but there’s nothing. Often I lose little things, then I’ll remember other things. I hate the way my brain won’t work to my demands. Every little detail is painful. Every missing part is a hole and a piece for him to have over me.
People that lose their virginity should have special memories. They should cherish every moment. Remember the finer details. Not force their brains to remember the clothes of the person that forced them self painfully onto them despite protests.
I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. You took everything from me and I don’t even know what fucking shirt you wore.