Therapy limbo and badly timed trigger

I really appreciate the supportive comments I received on my last blog about the therapist taking a call during our session. After considering it, I decided I couldn’t move past it and decided to email the centre that I visit. I felt guilty for doing it but realised there was no was no way forward for me. I just sent a generic email requesting a recommendation for a new therapist as I felt this relationship had come to an end. However, she wanted more information about the reasons why, and I decided to elaborate, I wrote this;

“******* is lovely. A very warm person. But her using her cell phone during our sessions has really gotten to me. I’d prefer this stay between us. It might not matter to other people. Initially she told me it was to check the time. But the sound is on, she will receive texts and calls. Last session taking a call threw me off when I was opening up about something and I found it impossible to get back on track.

Some people probably wouldn’t mind that but I really struggle as it is to be open. A distraction like that left me feeling quite vulnerable and exposed. And I felt that because I hadn’t discussed the phone thing at the start I couldn’t discuss it then. On from that the relationship seems irreparable as I feel her experience of my experiences are a bit limited. There has been more of a lean towards depression – as I know that she suffers with that herself. But I need to work through all the trauma.

Anyway I hope that gives you more of a picture.

I’m sorry about this. I was eager to make this work and tried to throw everything at it. But now it’s feeling like I’m wasting everyone’s time and the call on Thursday was for me the final straw.

I look forward to hearing from you”

I feel pretty shitty actually that I wrote that to her manager. Like I’m making something out of nothing, but I really don’t feel I can carry on seeing this woman. I genuinely have felt that her knowledge base of my experiences has been a bit limited. It’s like the call has been the final straw for me.

Anyway, I haven’t heard anything yet.

Meanwhile now in therapy limbo I happened across this picture on Facebook:

IMG_3824-0.JPG

I suddenly realised I had no idea what ‘he’ wore. I got so upset and mentioned it to my husband who in turn got upset because he hadn’t realised that I’d been asked what I wore – which of course is the standard questioning. I feel there’s a gaping hole in my memory. I feel sick. I’ve been trying to force it, but there’s nothing. Often I lose little things, then I’ll remember other things. I hate the way my brain won’t work to my demands. Every little detail is painful. Every missing part is a hole and a piece for him to have over me.

People that lose their virginity should have special memories. They should cherish every moment. Remember the finer details. Not force their brains to remember the clothes of the person that forced them self painfully onto them despite protests.

I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. You took everything from me and I don’t even know what fucking shirt you wore.

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3 thoughts on “Therapy limbo and badly timed trigger

  1. Triggers are rarely well timed, if it ever happens let me know. I wish you the best, it is not easy to find competent and compassionate therapists.

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  2. I’m in a therapy limbo as well. I’ve done really well-but I know there are more underlying pains that need to be exposed and processed. Not meaning to, I put on a non-emotional front-many therapists “prescribe” me-time. Well, that’s ok, but I do that…
    I hope you find a therapist who has what you need. ….and the triggers….yikes-they just pop up everywhere! EMDR therapy helped me with that…and tapping…it still happens, but I have the tools to get through it. Many positive thoughts coming your way💜

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  3. Hello my friend,
    My memory makes it difficult to recall if you wrote a post about when the trauma happened. I think how long ago is a good question. If you haven’t processed the trauma in your mind it might be to soon to discuss. I’m 51 and was raped the first time at 12, I only recently even told my therapist. Maybe because I’ve been raped more than once, maybe I have so many other issues or maybe the memories are repressed. You made the right decision to ask for a new therapist. During therapy we walk in and hope we can bring those memories and pain to the surface. Taking a phone call is a cardinal sin to me. You are to important to even think about taking a phone call. You are courageous to me, you feel your important enough to move on. Don’t let quilt hitch a ride.
    On the matter of asking what only one party of trauma was wearing is appalling. Many organizations are working hard to retrain hospital and police departments. What the person traumatized was wearing has nothing to do with the matter. That’s old school thinking and it turns my stomach. It will take years to move past this long term thinking. We can take every opportunity to educate,correct and support organizations who work hard to change the outdated thinking.
    Pat yourself on the back my friend, you made a big investment in yourself.
    Take care and please keep us posted.
    M

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