I didn’t have therapy on Thursday. My kids have taken it in turns to be sick 24/7. I’ve been at home everyday. They are ok minor tummy bugs, but I’m feeling especially claustrophobic! I like therapy particularly after a weekend group session to defrag. I also appreciate having some time out to myself. I had hoped to get back into swimming this week.
Nightmares have been awful this week. Waking up in a state of fear. Pretty much always thinking I’m back in England. If not graphic violence then clear loss of control, anxiety, fear. I’ve been running on less sleep than usual and I haven’t wanted to rely on sleeping tablets because the kids have been coming In due to illness. There’s been an impending sense of it never ending.
I told my husband I needed to get to away for the weekend. My brain feels like it’s going to explode. I haven’t been away from the family for so long and I’m exhausted. I’ve spent the week covered in shit and vomit and the laundry has tripled – which is pretty remarkable. We’ve gone from prison loads to entire hotel chain loads. I’m just slowly losing the will to live! If we had family I’d ask them for help, but we don’t.
So next weekend I’m driving up the country to a favourite spot of mine. I’ve rented a small house on a lake . I just want peace and quiet. I intend to read and sleep! Take some nice strolls around the lake and I hope find some inner peace. I know that sounds a bit cliche but even the cynical of us need a bit of hippie talk sometimes!
Not having therapy means I’ve not focused at all on what’s going on internally. It’s the strangest feeling. I used to ignore it. Now I’m aware of it and I’m aware it’s been neglected. Certainly I could go on and bury it all again. Part of me wants to. Frankly I’m sick of it all. But there mere fact that I’m aware of it’s presence now, I’m starting to wonder if that means there could be something better for me . Plus the nightmares were worse from lack of talking things through. And I crave time away to be alone with my feelings.
I’m really looking forward to the opportunity to have that time to myself and I’m grateful to my husband for arranging it.
Would you think less of me if I also admitted that I’m also very anxious and have all the typical fears – being alone in the dark? What if there’s a power cut? What if there’s dodgy people near me? What if I’m scared? What if I have a nightmare? What if I have a panic attack?
Where did the vibrant independent woman?