Yesterday was the monthly group. It was also Fathers Day here. I thought it might be quiet but in fact there were a lot of women there. In every group thing I go to there is always the one person I click with and the one person I clash with. Always happens. When I say group, I don’t mean support, I mean work training, presentation – ANYTHING that involves a group of people. I’d have thought that being a group of survivors I’d avoid that particular pothole. But no. Same thing.
So this time I had blondie, she had long blonde hair tied into a side pony tail and she had brought this really pretentious poem and I should have given her a break. I shouldn’t have judged. But I couldn’t help it. She kept flicking that ponytail and playing with her hair and sniffing it. And talking about herself. And there was a platter of food in the middle and she kept eating it all without asking anyone else. The other women were really nice, some timid, some tearful, some chatty (not like blondie) – and yes before anyone says she might have been nervous. But she spoke with such authority on everything. Bordering patronising to the other people.
One of her discussion topics for the group was, she has so many friends, how can she manage them. How can they be ‘normal’ considering she’s a ‘survivor.’ I took issue to this and maybe there was some misplaced anger there maybe some fear I don’t know. But I said, as survivors, there are so many things that we think about, where we park our car, what time we go out, characters near us, panic attacks, nightmares, where we sleep, drs appointments – friends – who we have in our lives is the ONE thing we can control. Analysing friendships is something non survivors do as well. So why must make ourselves different again, add more stress by adding a sub heading for something we can actually have more control over.
Suffice to say, it didn’t go down well.
In fact blondie had acquired her own younger buddy who argued back and then when I used the term acquaintance she said she wouldn’t use the word that way. And I said that’s how it was defined and she said that was how I defined it. And I said no, it was in the dictionary that way. And she still argued with me. I guess it was all very emotive in there. And this younger girl her emotions were right on the surface whereas mine seem to be shoved down deep against my spine somewhere.
As the afternoon progressed references were made to the Rolf Harris and Jimmy Saville cases. As well as a media case here. I made reference to the coronation street ‘Ken Barlow’ case in the UK which everyone got behind in the group. This one is my greatest trigger. And the one likeliest to rouse the greatest emotion from me. I found it did create a platform and from that I talked about the weekend when my husband was up in Auckland and my daughter had used the word ‘raping’ so unexpectedly. I talked about how I dealt with it at the time and felt like a failure. The emotions and the fears.
The facilitator broke it down for me and me realise just how much it would have affected me and why. She made me realise that it was ok to feel like that and the ripple effect on me. I explained that as far as my husband was concerned it was done. She told me this was why the group was good for me, because everyone here understood how I felt.
By the time I got home I felt physically, mentally, emotionally empty. My husband wanted to watch a movie and to spend time with him we did. It couldn’t have been more inappropriate, there was a scene of a couple losing their virginity. I felt sad. A little disgusted.
Last night I had recurring nightmares, some about my husband forcing himself on me.
This morning i had my day planned. I felt tired but got the kids ready, was about to leave and discovered my husband had left the car seat in his car. There was no way I was going to drive my son without his car seat. It’s not a long journey but I wouldn’t risk my beautiful boy. So I called my husband, finally got through and screamed at him. He had to leave the city and come home.
End result, kids are late, I’m upset and anxious and he’s in a mood.
There’s just no consideration. I do this group once a month. It’s my only chance to be around people that understand me. All I need is some support and compassion. I only stayed up last night because HE was disappointed that I wanted to go to bed early last night.
He knew I’d had a tough night. And he knew I had my day planned today and that I’d be overly anxious and emotional and yesterday.
To be honest he’s probably bored of the whole thing. I know I would be. All these years later, same issues, same upsets, same emotions, same words.
But i have spent so long pushing it away. For everyone else’s convenience and to an extent for our marriage. I’ll just do this then I’ll be over it….ok, I’ll just do this ….NO, it fucking well hurts.
And when it’s really bad I want to go away. It’s HIM that prefers I don’t. And when I looked for jobs elsewhere, he preferred I didn’t. So WTF do you want from me? Put up and shut up?