Something happened, a trigger from a connection over social media. I can’t elaborate for my own security but it upset me terribly. I held someone else accountable and all of these emotions poured from me. Raw, vigorously. I felt betrayed, hurt, vulnerable, scared, sad, angry, confused. It went on throughout the day. I cried, I had anxiety attacks. I talked it through with my husband. I wanted to hide from the world. But my car saga was still ongoing. I had to drop off the rental and sort out my car so there wasn’t time for me to shut down. But it felt like I was going to insane. Like I would always be haunted. No escape
Therapy today focused on this subject. I really wanted to express the heartache, the shock and the sense of betrayal. I realise it’s a difficult scenario to discuss without details! But my therapist made me realise that I had directed a lot of my emotions at the wrong person and the actual social media thing was in fact not of the person’s doing. And certainly not intended to cause upset. I was able to see very quickly the misplaced the anger. But the situation acted as a springboard for me to talk more in detail about my feelings that I find so hard usually to express.
The thing that annoyed me today in my session was that she kept on saying, ‘you’re a competent intelligent woman. You handle things very well.’
Why does that annoy me?
Because that’s my problem. I bury things deep inside. I play my roles perfectly. Until I burn out. I become mentally unwell. I have had breakdowns. Just because I appear competent, just because I manage the kids, house, etc just because I smile doesn’t mean I’m not breaking inside. I can hardly have panic attacks in front of my children or cry all evening. For that one hour I see my therapist I cram in talk about my history. And that history is responsible for the medication I take now and the PTSD I have now. It’s the reason I don’t sleep well, I have nightmares, flashbacks, routines and fears. It’s exhausting. And when I’ve had a bad night I can’t say to someone, ‘oh I had a bad night because I had nightmares’ I can’t explain my misery on a Thursday afternoon because I’ve just seen my trauma therapist. I can’t explain my fears. No one wants to hear that and I don’t want to share it.
So if competent means hiding how I’m really feeling, then sure. Yes I am. But I want to be allowed to grieve and find out who I really am.
The lecture about my competence lasted a good 20 minutes as well as how I shouldn’t dwell on bad things because I seemed hurt at the end of our session. I said of course I seem hurt. I came here to talk about stuff that hurts me.
I just found the end a bit off. But the rest was good. Mostly because I was able to get things off my chest.
I decided to go off and get a pedicure afterwards!
This weekend the monthly group therapy thing meets. I intend to go again. Hopefully I will find it as useful as last time.