Beam me up Scotty

My car is dead. I took it to the mechanics and the computer threw out a code which apparently only the car manufacturer can decipher (Holden – Chevrolet in the US). So I drove it to a dealer only to be told there’s a major engine malfunction. I only bought the car 2 months ago! So my husband needs to squabble with the dealer up in Auckland to get it sorted. Meanwhile the repairs will take at least a week. It will be a few thousand dollars. And in the meantime, I have a rental.

I hoped this week might be better. How bloody silly of me. It’s all gone to shit, from my vacuum cleaner blowing up, to my kids friend’s mum giving the police my number (by accident – she thought my number was an after school carer for her kid) and me getting a phone call at MIDNIGHT from the police. I tell you, I’m just about sick of it all.

So today was therapy. I was too dog tired to get too deep. Which in itself pissed me off. I feel like I need to flog myself half to death in therapy to feel like I’m getting anywhere. Mostly we talked about setting boundaries, and we talked about the police being a trigger for me but I can’t escape them at the moment! First the woman I helped last week and now this random call. Furthermore my ten year old daughter used the word ‘raping’ which sent me into a tailspin. Turns out some kids were using it in the context of restraining but I didn’t expect to hear it. I had to get my husband to speak to her because I didn’t want to be a sobbing mess and scare her. Mother fail AGAIN.

I’m not feeling good about myself. I’m not feeling good about where I’m at. I’ve lost my way. My past clings to me like a horrible demon, never letting me forget where I came from. Trying to pull me into a bleak abyss. The darkness is familiar to me. I could lose myself in the deep foreboding shadows. Sod everyone. Let me close my eyes. Let me switch off. Let me not care anymore.

I can’t see my future. I never was one to look to the future. I’m more of a present person. And my present sucks. It really sucks. It is sucking the life right out of me.

I’m just so very tired and so very fed up. I have nothing left to give. I am but a tortured soul that is trying so desperately hard to survive on an empty promise of something better.

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4 thoughts on “Beam me up Scotty

  1. Hello my friend,
    You are stepping in a lot of shit right now but there is a future. Sometimes we have to step in heaps of shit to get to the other side. I know you are going thru a rough time, every thing seems to be falling apart around you. It’s your current challenge, take it for what it is, a challenge for now, not forever. Work hard to cling on to the positive, fake it till you make it. I hate that saying sometimes to, but we have to. There is a world wide open to you on the other side. Mental Illness complicates how we see our situation and is a part of the issue. Mental Illness is our illness for life, we can manage the best we can with therapy and meds, it’s still there and can play with our mind. I’ve been there, I wanted the lights to go out permanently many times. I’m glad I got thru to see today. To be here today to talk to you. I’m here, just reach out and take my hand. Hugs.

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  2. I understand the ‘darkness’ that surrounds you. Hang in there. I guess thru the darkness we can find light …eventually ha.

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  3. I’ve been there. Depression stinks. You are very strong and look at your present as the strength of steel. Sorry for the stressful time and it will pass. Hugs and hang in there.

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  4. Know you not alone penny and I don’t say that in a manner to make things easier. .but I’m with you on this ..little steps make bigger progress sometimes even when we sucked in so deep it’s purely dark and black. ..just focus here and now slowly.
    Lots lov lisa

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