I’m just feeling really fed up at the moment. And a bit like my car. My car has been throwing out some signs that’s it’s not doing so well. We only bought it 2 months ago! First the airbag light stayed on all the time and I moaned to my husband that it needed looking at. Then I had a flat battery. Thank god for my neighbour jump starting it. Then another light stayed on the dashboard which, according to the manual meant, engine malfunction. Then I noticed it’s WOF (warrant of fitness) had expired, that’s a MOT in the UK, not sure about anywhere else. Only by a few days. Then this morning it died again and wasn’t going to start. So I had to call out the AA. He got me going and it was straight to the mechanics. My husband came back from work and took the kids to school and then took me to get a rental.
I know how my car feels. I’m tired and fed up and I’m sending out signals but no one really seems to notice or care.
Last week was hellish for me. Then my husband went to Auckland to see friends on Friday to Sunday which he deserved to do and I’m really happy for him about. But after it felt more difficult than usual being left with my four children. Weekly therapy is especially confronting. I’m not sleeping especially well and in sole care of the kids I don’t want to dip into any of my PRN medication because I need to be alert. On the Saturday my eldest daughter (10) was desperate for friend to stay and play. Although I really didn’t want that – it was kind of thrust onto me. I took all five children to an indoor playground where the girl’s mother was going to pick her up. Hours later – still no mother. So I politely text her to ask her plans and she asked if I in fact could drop her daughter at home. We drove there and then I was railroaded for her to stay overnight. The mother had things to do, the kids were pleading. I tried to explain I had 4 children already on my own but to no avail. We ended up driving back – all 6 of us. It was a long night. I knew I had grocery shopping to do but I wasn’t going to attempt it with everyone and at this point I was still unsure about my car. Turns out – rightly so!
I guess right now I’m feeling a bit beaten down. I had wanted to be gentle on myself knowing that therapy takes it out on me. Knowing that I’ve only just got to the right levels and right medication for my mental health. But gradually, like my car, I’m being pushed even though warning lights are coming on the dashboard. Just last week, last Thursday I had the incident where I pulled over to help a woman in distress. Although I was calm at the time, later on it did bring up some memories of my abusive ex boyfriend. As anyone in therapy knows, you are more vulnerable to memories to popping up and emotions coming up in waves. It’s hard to make sense of these when you haven’t dissected them before. And it’s tiring. It’s also extremely lonely.
I feel like I’m stuck in this awful routine that just keeps getting worse. And I guess I’ll just be like my car – one day I just simply won’t start.