*T* please read with caution – ref – sexual violence

It doesn’t matter how old I get the subject still bothers me. In my teens people would often discuss ages and the person. I know that I had an on/off ‘high school sweetheart’ that I would like to have been the chosen one. In the 20s it’s often joked about. And of course as relationships become more serious often partners want to know your ‘number.’ – just how many sexual partners have you had. I have always hated those conversations. Both with partners and friends. The subject can even come up in innocent banter with colleagues or over drinks with acquaintances. It is on the surface an innocent subject. And often people recall fond memories or amusing tales.

Would my first time have been on rose petals by candlelight listening to Michael Bolton while his parents were out for the evening? That is perhaps how I would to think it would have been. Sweet, nervous, fumbling, uncomfortable. But something I could look back on as a turning point in my life as I grew up. And know that I chose the man and chose the time. That I was respected and that the moment would live as a tiny fragment in our minds for years to come. Perhaps be the cause of an odd smile. Is that how it is for some people? That’s how I imagine it.

For me now it’s a sordid, dirty uncomfortable subject. The details Shared between me, him, the police, some medical professionals. Touched upon in therapy to this day as I try to make sense of it.

Memories cause nightmares and panic. Affected my pregnancies and the way I handle medical appointments.

One night that should be a hazy memory but can bring the faintest smile to my lips is instead my darkest nightmare. Bringing fear, shame, confusion, misery, loneliness.

I’d like to think that as I get older it bothers me less. But the media mentions virginity often. The conversation comes up often enough. I can’t escape the fact that my first time that is, am I led to believe, supposed to be so special, so momentous, so tender, was a thing of aggression, anger and hate. It wasn’t my choice. It wasn’t my time. I wasn’t ready.

I need to find peace somehow.


3 thoughts on “Virginity **TRIGGER WARNING**

  1. I wish you the best in finding peace. Talking about it to a therapist is so painful and only reopens wounds. But ultimately every action has an effect and the trauma of therapy leads to healing. We have to keep believing that, one day at a time.


  2. I believe this is another way society uses to shame people, especially women for their choises. I don’t know your story but you have every right to choose who you share it with and people who ask you about the number of your sex partners and other privacy invading questions can fuck off. You don’t need them in your life. I never answer this question anymore because the answer always end up used as ammunition against you!


  3. I can so relate in terms of medical appointment s now as I’m older and giving birth to 2 boys was a replay of sexual invasion.’s still a big part ..never mind the rest that follows. .I so hope for u penny u manage to find peace stillness in this .
    Lov lisa


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