Therapy hits the core

Therapy this week ended up being more confrontational than I’d perhaps prepared for. I think I had gone in doing my usual dance of avoiding the big prize stuff. Eyes roaming the room, chatter about this and that. I did mention Robin Williams and how upsetting and confronting I found that as I know most people would. It was supposed to be a generic reference but turned into more of a discussion about my own mental health. My trials and tribulations. From diagnosis to the harder more gruelling aspects. My own suicide attempt. Trying to find the right medication and coming to terms with the fact that my brain would never function normally. That like a diabetic or someone with high blood pressure, I would have to take to responsibility to manage my own mood swings and medication and if I tried to bury my head in the sand I would become ill. It wasn’t easy, I was angry, in denial, didn’t want medication, questioned where my personality ended and the illness began, it’s been a journey and is still ongoing. Medication still needs tweaking and stressors affect me and I don’t always catch my mood. But my therapist is new and so I was explaining this to her which meant I got to see it all again objectively. And realise to some extent how much more aware I am.

As we talked further I’m not sure what triggered the response but I told that deep down I was a bad person. The very core of me. I can picture it like the core of a peach, hard an unrelenting truth. I’m a bad person. I feel that because of what’s happened to me has left something within me. Something that cannot be changed or removed. That belief has been there for years and over the years things have only reinforced it.

When I get very low, I think demons are coming for my soul. My belief is that they know I’m bad and they’ve come to take me where I belong. When I’m low that is my fundamental belief. That I’ve been living on borrowed time and now they have come for me. When I’m not low I just believe that I’m an inherently bad person.

I’m not religious at all by the way – so it’s nothing to do with beliefs.

Talking out loud to my therapist about how bad I am was uncomfortable to say the least.

I think the foundations were laid from my parents and then after what happened to me just compounded it to a huge degree. And then no one told me any different – so it became cemented. Over the years it’s become my deep rooted core belief.

I feel quite down since therapy. I don’t like talking about this stuff. It’s uncomfortable. It makes me sad. It reminds me that I’m different from other people. That my wiring is somehow incomplete.

Anyway, hopefully I can push it all to back of mind as I usually do!

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15 thoughts on “Therapy hits the core

      1. Thank you. Your post is the kind of thing I’d like on my blog eventually. It’s beautifully written. I’ve avoided seeing a therapist. I have a psychiatrist, but he just gives me pills. I understand what you’re saying about being a bad person, and coming to turns with your “faulty wiring” that’s exactly what I’ve been dealing with. It’s difficult, but we’ll get there eventually, I suppose.

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    1. You know it’s funny, my husband read this entry and said it was well written but I thought it was awful. Really badly written and hard to read. But I wanted to capture my therapy session while it was fresh in my head. I appreciate your comments. I see a psychiatrist as well but the therapist is a complement to that. I dread seeing both really! But I’m doing what I can to get fixed – quickly 😉

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      1. Its a tough road, for sure. I’m glad your on your way to getting better! I like the way you wrote it, because its concise, and gets to the point, but it also feels very conversational. Thanks again for letting me share this.

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  1. Wow, that was a tough session, but you got through it and you should pat yourself on the back. Some of mine when that happens, I either bawl all the way home, or play the radio so loud and sing and the people in the cars next to me think I’m nuts. Gotta let the anxiety out somehow. Kudos to you.

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  2. Hello my friend,
    There aren’t any words of wisdom I can share that you haven’t heard. I will share my own journey in short form. I don’t know what I felt on the inside, drugs and alcohol eased the pain. I was diagnosed at 19 and pretty much blew it off. Due to my background of severe abuse I thought that’s what drove any bad feelings I had. I’ve heard the same comparisons, even though they get old, it’s the truth. It’s the stigma in our mind we have to get passed. It was a total pain when I did accept I was sick. The meds, changing of meds. the side effects all seemed for not at times. In 1992 my father committed suicide, he was one of my abusers, the lack of emotion made me question my illness and my fathers. When I learned more about Bipolar Disorder and the stats, I got serious. A therapist helped with what I wanted to share. The memories of my father are locked in a box for another day. I’ve had many years to deal and not deal with my illness. What I can say for sure, you are not a bad person. Your core is hurting and the memories are tucked away in there. Even if you talked about them, that doesn’t make the resolved. The first step is taking a step back to look at what’s happened to you and where your anger is focused. If on yourself, that’s a good place to start. Before you can resolve the pain others have inflicted you have to understand it’s not your fault nor does that make you a bad person. My hand is reaching for you, take it anytime you need it. We can talk about nothing or something, that’s up to you. I believe in you. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you so much for your words. My therapist tries to get to me to talk from ‘wherever’ there is no order, it’s just from where I’m most comfortable or what bothers me the most but at this point it all seems so overwhelming. The core was an odd thing for me to discuss out loud. Perhaps you’re right, perhaps that is where it all is stored. And could be a starting place. I just know what I was exhausted from the initial discussion and had to sleep. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I really appreciate your supportive comments x

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      1. There isn’t one story worse than another’s, the level of pain you’re feeling is shared by many. What changed my life was excepting my illness, getting past the hatred for my mother and lack of emotion for my father. The pain of abuse from my father is the worst and although small pieces have come out, the pain mostly stays in the box. My therapist has been great to never push me to pull the pain out. I’ve been with her 15 years and that makes a big difference. Looking at the core of your pain doesn’t dealing with it all at the same time. I believe that’s to much for anyone. I also believe therapist work for us, we move at different paces. You have to drive your own recovery. If you’re not ready to talk, you’re not ready. I have kept a journal most of my adult life. I knew what was eating at me most of the time. I had an agenda when I had a therapy session and would say when I first went in what I wanted to talk about. I felt it put me in charge of the conversation. Sometimes it got off course because I let it. You have to much to deal with at once, by looking at your core, yourself in the mirror, you now what is really coming to the surface. If you can start there do, if that’s to painful move to the next. We all have to start somewhere, but it doesn’t have to be the area that rips us into. Do some soul searching about what and how she drove the conversation. What bothered you the most,why. Lay out for your eyes only a general plan of attack and go in each session confident in the work done since previous session and were you want to pick up. It won’t take long to see who’s driving. The other thing I do when I’m down or just don’t want to jump off the deep edge, I free think. I may talk about what I saw on the news and how it made me feel, what it made me think about. I find it can be a gentler way to deal with some emotions. I’m here for you anything you need me. You are worthy. You are Strong. You are a Survivor. Hugs.

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  3. Sounds like it was a tough session and extremely exhausting. Those feelings of being bad can feel so misplaced in the therapy room, at least to me, because they have never been vocalized before or shared with someone. Sharing it with a caring person makes me feel silly or wrong somehow. Anyway, sending you big hugs and strength as you work through this xx

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    1. That’s exactly right – saying these things out loud is new territory for me. Her immediate response is, no you’re not a bad person, but it’s like throwing a glass of water over a forest fire. I did feel silly saying it out loud, like a child. But likewise it’s a deep rooted belief that no one change. Most of what’s said in therapy isn’t verbalised except to my husband when I’ve been drunk! I have to believe this is the way forward – or what’s left? Thank you for your supportive comments x

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