I see on Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, news sites, everyone is struggling to come to terms with the news of Robin Williams. It is either an objective sadness of an incredible actor lost in such tragic circumstances, or a rippling fear of empathy as those of us with our demons that we fight are forced to face another fallen comrade. One that has always appeared so strong and determined on the outside.
The shocked can pay tribute, they may never fully reconcile his decisions or his demons. His last moments or his willingness to leave his family behind. Some may call him a coward, selfish, some may blame drugs or alcohol. Some may never understand it all – he had it all! They say.
But then there’s the others. The others that know the pain that got too much for him. That night he sat alone. When it even hurt to breathe. When pretending was exhausting. When everyday had been one black fog after another . When every day felt like walking in mud. When he was just too tired anymore. When he wanted to be sure he really could go to sleep and not wake up. He needed peace. He needed the warmth and guarantee of peace. It was his time. The one thing he could control.
There are many of us that have been at that moment. For one reason or another we have survived. There maybe peace in death but not for those that survive us.
I hope Robin Williams death isn’t in vain, I hope it creates conversations, raises awareness, and makes people reach out to each other.
It is so difficult for anyone to understand why anyone would want to end their life – and to possibly relate to Robin Williams final moments. Why? How? But when you’ve felt like your entire body hurts, acids pumps through your veins, you can’t see a future and your past is black, you just feel so desperate for peace.
So I’m going to keep reading the articles, the comments, the blogs, because I want to keep his memory alive and I want to keep the conversation alive. If people are confused – let them ask! If people are afraid – let them say! If people are alone – speak to them, check in with them.
No one has anything to be ashamed of here. Even the strongest fall.