The poem ****TRIGGER WARNING****^

Graphic sexual violence

Please proceed with caution

******TRIGGER*******

Deep in the night do you think of my eyes?
Can you see the fear? Can you hear the cries?
Can you remember your words? You were soft and clear,
You said I was ok, that I had nothing to fear.
Do you think about the force and ripping my clothes?
I know just how much detail that memory of yours goes.
It hurt so much I asked if you had stabbed me with a knife,
In a way I wish You had – than I wouldn’t have this life.
When you finished you said you were sorry for hurting me,
But you weren’t sorry, you were lying, because you didn’t leave me be.
You kissed me down there, made me dirty so I’ll never be the same,
You made filthy, made me guilty and I’ll always feel to blame.

You whispered you were sorry as you quickly left the room,
I lay there in the darkness, feeling dirty, feeling doom.
My body was no longer mine,
My underwear was torn,
I was terrified you would come back, or anyone would take your slack.

I lay on top the bed, searing pain between my legs, scared perhaps I might have bled all over the bed.
Terrified and sick, nothing really made sense anymore
I hoped it was all nightmare, but I knew my whole body was too sore.

The next day I could hardly walk a step, I had to tell my friend
She took me to a clinic, I was terrified i thought it would never end.

So many vile memories and tests for things I never knew before,
A pill to stop a baby,
Didn’t even think it possible,
My friend said yes, maybe.

I knew my life had changed
I was neither adult not child
Just disgraced little reject
Set to turn wild.
Broken on the inside
Brittle on the outside
Scarred forever
Parts forever died.

One fateful night, you chose me
You did as you desired
You took away my choices
I was a girl you violated.

I know you don’t care at all
I’m just a piece of meat to you
A Virgin piece you got to break in two.

Helplines if you are affected in ANY way

US National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

Rape crisis UK 0808 802 9999

Rape crisis NZ 0800 88 33 00

Samaritans NZ 0800 726 666

Samaritans UK 08457 90 90 90

Crisis Line USA 18002738255

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12 thoughts on “The poem ****TRIGGER WARNING****^

    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I was so nervous about sharing it. But I decided in the end I shouldn’t be afraid to share something that’s another expression of experiences and emotions.

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      1. It’s completely understandable that you would have been afraid to share this. You are very brave and probably more powerful than you know for putting this here. And you’re right, you need to express. I am sure it may just be the nudge for others to shed some pain and reveal their own trauma. xx

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  1. i dont even know what to say. i got chills, an i started crying a bit when i read this and got palpatations in my heart
    this is brutal. but real! i am so sorry, buit also i have a good feeling that someone could be so strong to bounce back and talk about this. very very good stuff. one of the best ones i have seen on wordpress so far!

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    1. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. It was an excruciatingly difficult poem to write and caused a lot of heartache for me. Especially as I tend not to talk openly. It’s since sat in notes and I’ve been unsure exactly where it belongs – but deleting it seemed wrong somehow. I’ve decided to put it here, even if it’s temporary to unload some of heavy burden. Thank you again for your comment. I enjoy your blogs immensely.

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  2. Sometimes words are difficult when you can’t take away the pain. I understand your pain to well. I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to. You are brave opening yourself your soul to bring the pain back to life. I pray you are no longer haunted by the memories. I’ll be thinking of you. I’m here if ever need somebody.

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    1. Thank you so much. The memories are still very much part of my life. I’m only now at a point in my life where I’m starting to process things. I can’t verbalise though. Writing this poem was the first major step I’ve taken. I really appreciate your words it is a lonely journey x

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  3. You are an amazing brave woman! It is so hard expressing these tormented moments in our past. I cry for you, pray for you. I am here for you. There was a time this would have triggered me, it no longer does because I am stronger for sharing my own story, and even stronger because I see the strength in others . . . and I learn from them, just like I learn from you. Keep up the fight, never stop, you are worth more than all the material wealth in the world. Your heart will teach others to survive.

    You are not ALONE!

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    1. Thank you so very much and hearing those words is what inspires me. That’s exactly the place I hope I get to. It’s difficult to imagine right now. But I have to believe it’s possible x

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