So therapy was yesterday but I’ve been wandering around not really part of this world. I had booked to get a manicure done not really intentionally after my appointment but it was the only slot my regular salon had and my nails were driving me bonkers so I decided to take the appointment. The obscurity of the situation wasn’t lost on me. It was like a large crane from one of the those games where you can (supposedly) win a teddy if you direct it well over a toy and it comes down, the claw thing clamps onto the teddy and brings it to the hole. Only we all know the bloody thing is rigged because the teddy ALWAYS slips out. Well, in my case, I was in therapy, it’s raw, blah, blah, then comes the claw, plucks me up, this time it does work (guess the analogy wasn’t that good!) and drops me in a salon! And there’s all these pretty, vibrant, bubbly young women talking about nail polish and gossiping about local things. I’m not an idiot – I realise THEY probably have work masks on, but here we are acting like the decision between ‘midnight swim’ and ‘pea green soup’ is the biggest, life changing decision we’ve faced for a while.
There’s the obligatory wide smile, big eyed, ‘hey! How’s your day been? What have you been up to?’ And for a fleeting second I consider saying the truth. A trauma counsellor. And a brief synopsis of my background. Not for any purpose other than they asked and it would be the honest answer. But I like this salon! And it’s my private business. So I just smile tiredly and say I’ve just been in town doing errands.
So I’d dreaded therapy the night before and the morning before, all the way on the drive there in fact. I actually surprised myself by turning up.
The first thing I shared was the information about the group therapy. I hoped it might go some way to explaining why I looked tired and why I might seem a bit stand offish. I found myself grasping at conversation, anything, to keep the heat off the serious stuff. The weather, her phone, she made one comment and I was able to turn into a philosophical conversation! In the end I bored myself and I felt, perhaps more importantly I wasn’t being honest to myself. I told her how much I’d dreaded the session. I told her I was extremely anxious. She asked what that was rooted in, I could identify that it was fear of what we would talk about today.
We agreed that last session had been quite heavy, then the group on Sunday would have been intense, so it was natural that I’d be feeling way out of my comfort zone today.
I talked about some of the feelings I was able to relate to in the group therapy session. And how I would have liked to have been more emotive. I talked about my nightmare which she interpreted as my need to start facing things. I talked about my upbringing and how I’ve never had that important emotional, physical support. Generally I skirted around the trauma. I think we both acknowledged that there’s been a lot of intense work and it’s tiring, draining. I’m feeling it now more than ever.
When does it end?
My nails look nice though 😉