Post therapy

So therapy was yesterday but I’ve been wandering around not really part of this world. I had booked to get a manicure done not really intentionally after my appointment but it was the only slot my regular salon had and my nails were driving me bonkers so I decided to take the appointment. The obscurity of the situation wasn’t lost on me. It was like a large crane from one of the those games where you can (supposedly) win a teddy if you direct it well over a toy and it comes down, the claw thing clamps onto the teddy and brings it to the hole. Only we all know the bloody thing is rigged because the teddy ALWAYS slips out. Well, in my case, I was in therapy, it’s raw, blah, blah, then comes the claw, plucks me up, this time it does work (guess the analogy wasn’t that good!) and drops me in a salon! And there’s all these pretty, vibrant, bubbly young women talking about nail polish and gossiping about local things. I’m not an idiot – I realise THEY probably have work masks on, but here we are acting like the decision between ‘midnight swim’ and ‘pea green soup’ is the biggest, life changing decision we’ve faced for a while.

There’s the obligatory wide smile, big eyed, ‘hey! How’s your day been? What have you been up to?’ And for a fleeting second I consider saying the truth. A trauma counsellor. And a brief synopsis of my background. Not for any purpose other than they asked and it would be the honest answer. But I like this salon! And it’s my private business. So I just smile tiredly and say I’ve just been in town doing errands.

So I’d dreaded therapy the night before and the morning before, all the way on the drive there in fact. I actually surprised myself by turning up.

The first thing I shared was the information about the group therapy. I hoped it might go some way to explaining why I looked tired and why I might seem a bit stand offish. I found myself grasping at conversation, anything, to keep the heat off the serious stuff. The weather, her phone, she made one comment and I was able to turn into a philosophical conversation! In the end I bored myself and I felt, perhaps more importantly I wasn’t being honest to myself. I told her how much I’d dreaded the session. I told her I was extremely anxious. She asked what that was rooted in, I could identify that it was fear of what we would talk about today.

We agreed that last session had been quite heavy, then the group on Sunday would have been intense, so it was natural that I’d be feeling way out of my comfort zone today.

I talked about some of the feelings I was able to relate to in the group therapy session. And how I would have liked to have been more emotive. I talked about my nightmare which she interpreted as my need to start facing things. I talked about my upbringing and how I’ve never had that important emotional, physical support. Generally I skirted around the trauma. I think we both acknowledged that there’s been a lot of intense work and it’s tiring, draining. I’m feeling it now more than ever.

When does it end?

My nails look nice though 😉

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8 thoughts on “Post therapy

  1. Hi Friend,
    It ends when your past the trauma, when it’s no longer dragging you by the neck. It ends if you put the trauma you’re not ready to deal with in a box to deal with at another time. One observation is the Therapist is telling you what you need to do or deal with. You have to drive the healing process. Everyone deals different and on very different time frames. Another observation, it sounds like you’re seeing your Therapist more than once a week on top one or two group sessions. That may be to much for you. We need time to process, think about how we feel and what we want to do the emotions next. I could be wrong in my observations. I have a very traumatic background and could not have worked on a fast track schedule. You have to drive the healing on your schedule based on where you are at. I hope that made sense. Take what you can from it. Have a great day. I’m here for you if you need someone. 🙂

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    1. Hello, I’m guilty of wanting to both avoid and fast track at the same time. I thought I’d done the hard work before years ago. But to be honest I never applied any real emotion to it. Only logic. This time there is a tsunami of pain that needs to come out and I’m finding it a real struggle to manage. It’s funny you should write this post, my husband was suggesting a break from therapy. The group therapy is once a month – there’s no way I could manage more than that. The therapy is weekly and I’m finding it overwhelming. But I want all this cancerous, demonic, tortuous crap out of me.

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      1. Hi Friend,
        You have to look inside and see if you’re processing what you’re discussing. If jumping from pain, to pain to plan, you may not be getting the time needed to process and apply. Applying is real goal here. When I was at my worst, I couldn’t see my Therapist more than every other week. There are so many other distractions in our lives. We have to block out me time, quite time to relax and let the conversation soak in. Can you bring up the emotion, can you discuss without terrible pain, have you really processed or just talked about and moving on. If you’re talking about the same subject every week until you deal with, you have to drive your train. I was abused by so many people in my life, I could not drag everything out at once. My approach was, let’s talk about the emotions that came up since last meeting. That’s where healing or not comes from. If the emotions were disturbing and still very painful, I knew I hadn’t dealt with. If it was a huge step in letting the secret out, I might not be ready to talk about for a week or two. We would talk about my other issues like depression. Therapy is for us, not a system of pushing people along. I hope that makes sense and helps. I’ve been seeing the same Therapist for over 15 years so our relationship is very strong. She lets me tell her what we’re going to talk about, sometimes I just want to free think, see what comes out. What comes out could be what’s bother me and I didn’t acknowledge. I wish you well. I’m very serious about helping, let me know.
        M 🙂

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  2. I had therapy yesterday and got lost on my way back, just couldn’t bring myself back to life. I hate this feeling…I still feel this way now. I haven’t started processing any of the abuse in sessions. I plan on it but then the words won’t come out. It’s frustrating skirting around the issues. Thank you for your post!

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    1. I did therapy years ago but it’s only now I’m working on the real core of things and speaking is really very hard. If I didn’t have my satnav preprogrammed I’d definitely take some wrong turns! Somehow I have to believe that this is the right journey. I wish you all the best with your therapy and I hope you find your voice – it deserves to be heard x

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