I arrived at the centre 25 minutes early and parked outside, sat in my car with my sunglasses on and watched. Feeling a bit a like a cop – minus the cheeseburgers and coffee! I wanted to observe the people coming and going. Most likely I decided it would be empty. On from that I didn’t know what to expect. It was ‘women only’ which was reassuring. But who should rock up first? A guy! I couldn’t believe it, he rode on a moped right up the drive and then walked in. I sat watching, waiting. My mind already beginning to write the group off. But someone came out to talk to him and then he left. But I felt some residual annoyance. I mean, show some respect mr moped!
Anyway it got to the time and I don’t like being late so I cautiously wondered inside. It’s a converted house. Lots of information everywhere for women and inspirational style posters on the wall. The lounge was a huge floor level sofa thing drowning in blankets and barely visible under throw pillows. It looked inviting enough. The facilitator was softly spoken, warm and sweet. The women were all around their 30s. Able to speak quite openly about their experiences and show emotion. I fell into my usual role of wanting to make sure everyone was ok, trying to add humour to the room. I was able to share non emotive aspects that related to other peoples experiences. But I guess I’m not ready yet to speak out loud. I found it extremely tiring. My brain was definitely taking everything on and considering other peoples issues, comparing them to mine. There’s no doubt about it, it was definitely reassuring to feel less alone and hear other people say things that I feel.
The group is monthly which is probably better. As therapy is draining itself and after the group session i was extremely tired. It effected my sleep and last night I had a nightmare.
I think this particular group therapy could complement my therapy because the only way I feel less alone with my experiences is through websites or reading blogs. But to hear other people physically talking is quite inspiring. That said, I don’t know how long it will be until I can talk like that.
I’m throwing everything at this and looking for the tools.
The darkness within me needs light. There is pain, there is suffering. I need to reach these demons, I need to let the hurt go.