Since I let some things go on Thursday in my therapy session, I have felt overwhelmed, overtired, over wraught, drained, torn between numb and emotional. On Thursday night I was so shattered and physically tired I had to have an early night. I knew there was no point fighting it. I was emotional on and off and it felt like vulnerable, unknown territory.
On Friday morning my husband took the kids to school. Every morning for me there are arguments, screaming, and we always end up running late regardless of best intentions and the arguments continue all the way to school in the car. My husband had them up and out, smoothly and in time. Not to mention since he returned from his business trip in Australia, he’s moved furniture around and scrubbed the house moaning about how dirty it is. So in all he’s made me feel like a complete failure of a mother and wife.
I had an interview on the Friday morning – which was why he was here. My confidence already in my boots. I was asked at point have I ever had a lot of demands on my life, lots going on, people needing things, time specific, etc, of course, I’d just had therapy the day prior so all my brain could conjure up were things related to that. I envisioned myself shouting at the guy – you have no idea what I’ve ‘managed’ what I’ve been through and survived’ – obviously I didn’t ! I came up with some boring work story. But the situation was difficult for me. I’m talking about my mental health on Wednesday, some pretty painful stuff on Thursday and then I’m interviewing on Friday.
Friday afternoon we went and checked out a potential new school for the kids because they are simply not happy at the current one and neither are we. So it’s back on parade again.
I’ve felt so cold, unable to warm up. I feel my husband made such a display about the house that I’ve failed in that area too. I’ve tried to let him in with the therapy – but I know he doesn’t really understand or seem to care to. He’s made no effort since Thursday to make me feel safe or appreciate how I might be feeling. Him not being there for me has made me recoil more into myself. I’m determined to do the work, I want to get some closure where my history is concerned but I think the reality is that really I’m doing this alone. I shouldn’t expect anymore from him.