Aftermath

Since I let some things go on Thursday in my therapy session, I have felt overwhelmed, overtired, over wraught, drained, torn between numb and emotional. On Thursday night I was so shattered and physically tired I had to have an early night. I knew there was no point fighting it. I was emotional on and off and it felt like vulnerable, unknown territory.

On Friday morning my husband took the kids to school. Every morning for me there are arguments, screaming, and we always end up running late regardless of best intentions and the arguments continue all the way to school in the car. My husband had them up and out, smoothly and in time. Not to mention since he returned from his business trip in Australia, he’s moved furniture around and scrubbed the house moaning about how dirty it is. So in all he’s made me feel like a complete failure of a mother and wife.

I had an interview on the Friday morning – which was why he was here. My confidence already in my boots. I was asked at point have I ever had a lot of demands on my life, lots going on, people needing things, time specific, etc, of course, I’d just had therapy the day prior so all my brain could conjure up were things related to that. I envisioned myself shouting at the guy – you have no idea what I’ve ‘managed’ what I’ve been through and survived’ – obviously I didn’t ! I came up with some boring work story. But the situation was difficult for me. I’m talking about my mental health on Wednesday, some pretty painful stuff on Thursday and then I’m interviewing on Friday.

Friday afternoon we went and checked out a potential new school for the kids because they are simply not happy at the current one and neither are we. So it’s back on parade again.

I’ve felt so cold, unable to warm up. I feel my husband made such a display about the house that I’ve failed in that area too. I’ve tried to let him in with the therapy – but I know he doesn’t really understand or seem to care to. He’s made no effort since Thursday to make me feel safe or appreciate how I might be feeling. Him not being there for me has made me recoil more into myself. I’m determined to do the work, I want to get some closure where my history is concerned but I think the reality is that really I’m doing this alone. I shouldn’t expect anymore from him.

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6 thoughts on “Aftermath

  1. I am so very sorry he seem not to understand or has become ignorant of your struggle. I wish this community could reach out and help for you are not truly alone. I have felt the sting of the aftermath of talking this week, too… And I know it is exhausting!! I am sending hugs and healing to you for strength…

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    1. Hey, yes I’ve been following your blog and seeing that we are at similar stages! There is an expectation that therapy takes the hour and that’s it. But it’s a gruelling process that lingers for days after. I really appreciate your comment, it’s good to know im less alone. And I take strength from your experiences x

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  2. Oh I’m so sorry you feel alone in this and that you’re not getting the support you need. Regardless of how difficult this last week has been, be proud that you got through it and even though it feels like a Pandora’s box has been opened, you’re doing the difficult work that is needed to heal completely. It’s such a long, arduous process but keep writing, taking care or yourself and seeking support even if it is just online. We are here for you.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. It’s true what you say, I need to focus on doing this process for myself. I really appreciate the acknowledgement from other people as it certainly feels extremely hard and lonely

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  3. Sorry that you’re going through such a rough patch and are not attuned with your husband. Everything seems more difficult when our loved ones don’t feel like they’re on the same level. Also tends to increase feelings of isolation. Know that you have people here who continue to care with what’s going on for you x

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  4. Some weeks after therapy I don’t get anything done, and then *BAM* its time for therapy again. Between OCD and low self-esteem surrounding how I was raised to believe that a good homemaker makes a good wife, it can make me even more of a mess.
    And my inability to do anything after therapy was a problem between me and my husband for a short while until one day I just told him all of the emotional dealings we discussed. No details, none of the history about it, just how it makes me feel *today*. Since then, he has been so much more understanding of how taxing it is to try and heal.
    And obviously your husband sees the value of your therapy sessions – the need for you to go. That’s step one.
    I don’t know if this is helpful at all, but I hope it is. At one point I hit a wall in therapy and almost stopped going because everything was so hard. And in the next couple of weeks things started to feel better, bit by tiny bit.
    If nothing else, I hope this is encouraging.

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