Today I checked in with my Psychiatrist. My plan had been to drop the kids off, drop my car off at the mechanics, walk to the Psychiatrist and then take a leisurely stroll around town until my car was sorted. Of course, none of this was meant to be! Instead I had two sick girls and the weather is throwing out a right storm. So I had the two sick girls with me at the Psychiatrist’s office, both looking white as sheets and opted to drop the car off another day. Third in a row I’ve had to delay because of sick kids!
In the waiting room two situations were occurring. One, an agitated male patient was pacing, he wanted to see one of two care workers to express immediate annoyance about something. From my own experience working in mental health and from instinct you recognise that these situations can become volatile extremely quickly. I was conscious of my daughters being in this small waiting room with me, unaware of this building tense situation. I had also been receiving messages about a conversation I’d been having with someone on facebook, a public exchange, friendly and not dissimiliar to any other exchanges with men and women, only this person seemed to think I should ‘pair off’ with a particular person. It amazes me that you can happily chat away on social media and someone somewhere takes issue and thinks there is more to the exchange than a light hearted, pass the time banter. I find it childish and insulting. I was hurt and angry. I’m sitting in the waiting room of my psychiatrist with two sick kids, a mentally ill man pacing in frustration and here I am trying to defend my public conversation?? Lunacy. What further frustrates me is that some people know the difficult periods I go through, the battles, the paths I walk. And yet seem intent on making things that little bit more difficult.
Anyway, I’m not wasting more time on that.
The psychiatrist was mostly pleased with my progress. She feels I’m in remission from my major depressive episode. As usual there isn’t much that can be done about my PTSD symptoms. I’ve told her that I’m looking for a new therapist and she agrees this will no doubt impact my PTSD symptoms but she sees a long term benefit as do I. She feels we can look at reducing medications further after winter. She doesn’t want to change anymore at this stage as I’m progressing well. And winter affects most peoples moods. Our next appointment is set a month from now, which is a stark contrast from our weekly meetings. I feel much better for that. I no longer need the weekly meetings.
I’m supposed to have regular therapy today with Anne, but as the girls are sick I won’t make it. It kind of takes the decision out of my hands about whether I should go or not! The longer time passes the less inclined I am to see her again. Ever. I’m not sure if I should do some sort of closure meeting or not.
Its been so stormy here. Its frustrating because strong wind is a big trigger for me. I can’t hear properly, it distorts shadows, shapes, noises, doors bang, there can be power cuts. I keep torches around. But I feel I need to be on my guard. I feel anxious, jumpy. I don’t like the wind. I don’t feel safe. I didn’t like not feel safe today in the psychiatrist’s office. I was going to leave the girls in the waiting room because I don’t like them to hear the content of my appointment. But I didn’t like that guy in that. And the staff took too long getting someone. I called the girls to come in. My psychiatrist isn’t subtle, so when she spoke I kept cutting her off with an answer before she could complete the sentence. Her inability to adapt her conversation around my children infuriates me. Fortunately the girls started to doze off. They looked so small, so innocent. I didn’t want to be talking about the darkness of my mental health while they dozed in uncomfortable, cheap, ugly chairs. It is, yet another reminder of my failings of a mother.