Since therapy Anne warned me that the emotions might come over the next couple of days. She wasn’t wrong. In fact since Thursday I have found myself incredibly emotional. Friday I was so exhausted, I’ve not known anything like it. Like I had been hit by a freight truck. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. And when I was awake I was tearful. It was unusual for me. I felt lost, quite alone with these feelings. I wanted to blog about them on the Friday, to explore the different feelings and fears, but the tiredness was too great. It was an oppressive tidal wave that wouldn’t relent in strength. Sleep didn’t seem to help, I never felt restful. The loneliness hasn’t subsided. Who can possibly understand these array of emotions? The fears and pain? The confusion and need for answers? The frustrations and anger and others as well as at myself for being weak?
I thought that therapy had become stagnant. I was worried that I couldn’t reach deep inside anymore. Clearly I have been able to and I feel conversely relieved and afraid.
Its amazing how much sadness one can feel as though something occurred only yesterday. The shame, the anger, the loneliness. Feelings that have been contained for so long. Feelings I have been trained not to feel.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
The only question for so MANY things.
I’m tired. Therapy is ultimately meant to be freeing. But it also highlights to me that I have so much to confront and it is but a lonely road.
I feel my mood is stronger and stable to deal with this. I need to look inside myself. I am so sad for myself. And why not? No one else has been.