Today has been a long and exhausting day. With varying degrees of success and progress, concern and failure.
Starting with the Psychiatrist, a random check of my mobile number revealed that most of my information was incorrect. Confidential information had initially been sent to my GP, but then for some reason been sent to another GP incorrectly. Also my next of kin of someone I had never heard of, finally, ethnicity was wrong. I was infuriated that these mistakes could occur. I don’t appreciate my personal information being available to anyone. I have encountered in the past confidential information being accidentally shared and it causes me great stress. What people don’t realise is that the ramifications can be huge, there is life insurance, criminal matters, and information that can be extremely distressful if heard when not expected from someone not trained or qualified to have that information. You fill in forms, sign consent forms, give away personal information but you don’t expect receptionists and administration staff to make lazy and haphazard mistakes. As I say, its not the first and it won’t be the last time this happens to me. But I urge people to be extremely cautious when sharing information, signing waivers to medical staff.
On the progress side, the psychiatrist is pleased with my mood. She was surprised by my ability to drive the distances under such strong medications. I concur that I am easily more tired, which is why I’m keen to lower the quietiepiene. Most people can barely function on a relatively low dose, I’m sitting at 400mg every night. My lows are not just feeling a bit down, ‘come on, get up, have a walk’ I’m talking festering in bed, convinced demons are going to get my soul. Its terrifying. And medication like Seroquel is quite literally a life saver. But now its served its purpose. It didn’t make me sleepy when I was low. But now I feel the side effects because I’m functioning normally. Well, relatively normally! There’s some anxiety I could drop again, but I feel that if that happens, I could increase the meds again. And I’m staying on the lithium now, and as a mood stabiliser, technically I shouldn’t fall down again. Decreasing the medication starts tonight. It will be increments. I am relieved.
Moving on, I saw my Therapist today. It was a particularly tough session. We talked about my inability to ‘feel’ the work I need to get through in relation to my past. It seems that as my mood has stabled, my brain has protectively stopped me from lingering over events of my history. Although its tempting to want to forge on and forget about it, the truth is I live my life with this baggage and periodically it will always flare up. Particularly in the form of PTSD symptoms. As well as in other ways, effecting my relationships, as a Mother, a Wife, a friend, physically, emotionally, etc. And I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t face these things and deal with these things, as during my entire life – I never have.
So as I worked today with Anne, I suddenly felt incredibly tired. Like I could fall asleep on the couch tired. I mentioned it and she told me that apparently that’s another form of disassociation. My body is finding another way to avoid something that’s difficult. Interesting. I was keen to work through it. Desperate to start making some headway. It seems like ages ago Anne and I were really getting through the tough stuff. I tried very hard to stay focussed and not disassociate in any way shape or form. We talked about physical things that were extremely uncomfortable. But we felt at the moment talking about those things might psychologically prepare me for the intensity of therapy. Of how I feel about these things, what upsets me, what triggers me, why I feel ashamed, how I have learnt to manage these things over time, how to learn to feel and open up.
I spoke openly. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I tested the waters. I wanted to feel something. To spin the wheels of grief.
But aside from speaking some truths, my emotions remained intact.
Anne was happy with what I contributed though. She felt I had progressed. I just felt tired.
I was pleased to get home at the end of the day. I have to say, I did take another tumble, in style! – hurt my other foot!
Onwards and upwards!