The last few days were a road trip for me. I love road trips. The freedom, seeing the open expanse of my beautiful country, meeting different people. Its refreshing and recharging. It gives me a much needed break from the daily routines and some quiet time from chores and demands of having a large family. I made sure to make the most of it. Stopping in Rotorua to indulge in some spa treatments that were greatly received and hot pools that warmed the soul. I faced some of my recent fears induced by the low, going out at night and just doing things alone, despite the fear and anxiety.
I only had one nightmare while I was away about being suffocated and woke up in a panic, but otherwise I did extremely well.
On the whole I have felt more content, more relaxed in my mood. My symptoms of PTSD tend to rise up occasionally, the last few days I have been quite jumpy and felt on the defensive – which is probably because my therapy is becoming consistent again.
Its frustrating that I can see the beauty of my country. Can feel free, can feel alive and to an extent feel safe. But then I can actually be free. I must rely on medications, there are periods when my PTSD symptoms can be stronger than others.
You know I see all this media around Rolf Harris, Max Clifford, etc. And I see these comments all over popular media. People are so judgemental of historic cases. Calling victims money grabbers. Doubting their stories. Doubting their credibility. Why? Because famous people cant possibly be guilty? Because if a case is so many years old it can’t possibly be true? What are people so afraid of? That a predator could have walked undetected for so long? Then anyone can fall foul? That no one is actually safe. Is that the concern here? That the safe bubble we all live in where predators wear long dark coats and hover in shadows is what we have come to believe is the real world and these friendly looking family sorts are not?
People that make these comments, they have no idea. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. The media is right to bring it home -the devil comes in all shapes and sizes, socioeconomic backgrounds, marital status, and friendly faces. Life can never be the same once innocence is taken.
Tomorrow I catch up with the psychiatrist and the therapist. I really hope it will be time to start lowering medication. I feel that whilst my mood might still peak and trough I feel more confident about managing it. Its time now, I need to start taking some control or I might become too afraid to ever let go.