Perhaps because of seeing the therapist. Perhaps because of a busy weekend. Perhaps because of some movies I watched, or maybe because its just been a while, I really don’t know. But Sunday night I was again awoken a few times with terrible nightmares, The first one shook me awake, I jumped up almost out of bed. Heart beating wildly, disorientated, terrified, fearing for my life, unable to make out the safety of my own bedroom, unable to work out the outline of my own husband lying next to me. I felt in danger, vulnerable, exposed, small, alone. It was awful. How my husband didn’t wake up is surprising. Usually he wakes when I jolt awake or when my breathing becomes panicked. I was able to get to sleep again, only for another nightmare to grip me again. Suffice to say, today, Monday, I feel pretty tired and raw. That’s the thing with bad nights like that, they ruin the following day.
On Saturday I met a family that needed to rehome their dog. A lovely older dog. He’d been a companion for an old man until the old man died. Then a disabled man had fostered him until he found a ‘forever home’ which was this family. But unfortunately this family had to relocate for work and felt they couldn’t take him with them. He’s a big dog, but with a gentle nature. I’m not much of a dog person, and I don’t like the idea of training a puppy. But I like to take walks and sometimes I can be too demotivated with my mood, or too fearful and my anxieties win out. So I thought a dog might work as a companion to encourage me to start training again, and perhaps to help ease the anxiety. He has such a gentile nature. The Saturday I spent with the family whom were lovely. Then the Sunday my family and I went out with the new addition. It was nice.
This morning however, I fell down the stairs and have damaged my foot in exactly the same place I broke it previously! Its very swollen and looks and feels like I might have broken it again. Not to be deterred, I still went out for a walk with the dog. I kind of dragged my foot behind, so I looked like a zombie! Fortunately I live in a very hick part of New Zealand, so I wouldn’t stand out too much!
Anyway, pushing for the walk obviously means my foot has swollen up to epic proportions now. But I am adamant that I won’t be stopped! Stupid foot!
Its certainly nice to have the company especially after a night of terrible nightmares.
Overall I feel that my mental health has been improving. The nightmares could just be a result of the therapy starting again. It makes me feel weak that I have them. I feel like can never truly be free if I have nightmares. They make me feel powerless. And in them, I am alone. There is nothing I can do.
No one can fully appreciate the depths and misery of trauma until they have experienced it. You may have your life, but the binds of a tortured memory will always be there.