Today was the much anticipated appointment with Anne. Where I would decide if I could move past all recent mistakes with the appointment times, if we could salvage our relationship of trust and if I felt able to confide further in her.
Truth is, I had pretty much decided. I am quick to anger, but I am also quick to forgive. We all make mistakes. In the bigger picture Anne and I have accomplished so much. I have confided in her so many things. It would be to my detriment I believe to walk away from that over what is essentially admin errors. Anne is honest, she is a good person, she has helped me and she knows me. I feel safe with her and I honestly don’t think I could start all over again with anyone else. It seemed so pointless to drone on about it. She apologised profusely. It was sincere. I explained how these mistakes have quite an inconvenience on me logistically and also impact me emotionally.
You see, my therapy appointments are my only source of relief. All my fears, my nightmares, my grief, my anger, my sorrow, my pain, my confusion, the dilemmas that I face, the emotions that need processing, all of it is reserved for that one hour per week. I don’t allow myself the luxury of crying when I need to, of sitting with emotions or discussing my fears with anyone. It took months to get to a point where I was able to do that with Anne. My barriers are so tall and so strong. A combination of the way I was raised, lack of trust and simply wanting to be on my own. I find it very hard to ‘feel.’ In therapy, often when it gets difficult, I disassociate, either I mentally disappear or I become physically too unwell to continue. This is so entrenched that it’s taking a long time to work through it. I find it incredibly frustrating and limitating. But to be honest, I’m fearful of what lies beneath it.
Once Anne and I had cleared the housekeeping issues, I filled her in the last few weeks. Namely my upset with some information I had learned, the topics I’d written about in my blog, a falling out, etc. we discussed my nightmares, my medication and mental health, how I was coping overall. Then I just felt light headed and exhausted. Anne pointed out that within the space of 40 minutes I’d shared some incredibly complex and painful information, but I’d rattled it off without giving it time to process any emotion. It was no wonder I was so tired and feeling lightheaded. She wanted me to take some time and feel some emotion.
But I couldn’t.
I’ve not seen her for a while now, I seem to have forgotten how to feel.
It’s just been my objective to function. That’s been my ultimate goal over the last few weeks. Get up, and keep going.
My brain is functioning as it should. It seems I can think with clarity. But my emotions seem raw, I know when I sat with Anne today I could have let a dam burst, but something inside didn’t want to let that happen. It might just be, as I say, the time between sessions. Most of life has been about containment. I can act like something doesn’t bother me so well that I even begin to believe it.
Therein lies the problem.