Truth and loyalty

I’m a complicated person. There is nothing special about me. I don’t proclaim to have all the answers. I’m far from perfect. I make mistakes often, I speak out of turn. I infuriate people, I offend people, my failures haunt me for years. No one can give me a harder time than I give myself.

But there’s one thing I offer my friends that remains consistent, it’s my honesty and my loyalty. Believe me, if my friends want to take me to some party to impress others – I am NOT that friend, if my friend is dating someone completely inappropriate, I am NOT the friend that they will take to introduce. I offer my honest opinion and I stand by loyally. Often it means people I care about hear truths that perhaps they don’t want to hear. But you know what, never can I be accused of saying something behind someone’s back. I call things as I see them. I try to manage not being too blunt. And I ask, rather expect the same of my friends. If I hear mixed messages and this confuses me, it angers and upsets me. I would rather take the initial hurt and process it then find out later. To deny someone honesty and loyalty in any situation is the greatest show of disrespect and disregard there ever is. I find that inexcusable. Because in life, we don’t have much to offer our fellow man. Basic courtesy is something that can never be taken away for us. That can never be manipulated, or twisted by anyone else. Even during my darkest hour, when I feel sad and alone, my friends know, I will be there for them. That if they ask me a question, I will answer honestly. So although I struggle with my demons and my moods, and nightmares tear at my sleep and my past will grip me in a vice, I know, and my friends know, you ask a question, you get the truth. You need me, I’m there. It’s amazing when you learn that very few people can offer the same. Those that can you need to hold onto with both hands and cherish. Those that can’t are best left, usually in the past.

So, I’m on the increased medication and I’m certainly functioning a lot better than I was. I can’t say as if I’m skipping around town, but I’m certainly doing a lot more than I was. The children are on Easter holiday. We had gone away for the long weekend which was lovely and relaxing and nice to be out of the city. For the remainder of the time they are in a holiday programme which they are thoroughly enjoying as it has lots of activities. I’m happy to see them getting out and about.

I’ve not had therapy for a while as my therapist has been on holiday. Perhaps this has been a good thing as it’s given me a break. I had one set of terrible nightmares while we were away, which isn’t too unusual as we were away and then another bad night when we returned. I believe that second night might have been triggered by a programme on television. It’s strange that my symptoms of PTSD have generally subsided with the reprieve in the therapy. I do feel anxiety from an argument I had with some people from my past. Unfortunately, when you confide in people, there is always a risk that you choose the wrong people and they are unhelpful. Their responses are callous and selfish. You just have to be so careful. I guess I expected too much from the wrong people. That kind of judgment call doesn’t get easier to deal with. But there’s no point wasting more time and energy getting upset over it. And I refuse to be made to feel bad by others inability to act with honesty and integrity. Unfortunately this isn’t the first time I’ve been made to feel bad by the same people. Sometimes you have to recognise the pattern – even though it hurts.

I’m not sure where I’m going from here. I’m still waiting for the medication to balance out I guess. I seem to be in limbo. My confidence has taken a knock so I’m unsure about looking at getting into contract work again. I’m anxious about resuming therapy. It always feels difficult after a long break. I guess we’ll see….

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