Moving but not getting anywhere

So the usual Monday routine. I’m so bored of writing it! I’m so bored of it happening!

See the psychiatrist.

How am I sleeping? Not great.
Suicidality? Not present
Delusions? Not present – we can all hear that plant singing right?
PTSD symptoms? Better, my therapist is ill again – she’s the most unhealthiest therapist I’ve ever met!
Motivation? I’m upright.
Regular showers? BOOM! On it! Not so stinky anymore.
Time out of bed? Increased

I say, I’m fed up. I’m in a hole. I ain’t getting out. She says, ‘we met one month ago. You disassociated constantly, you couldn’t string a sentence together, and you didn’t want to wake up in the mornings. I’d say there’s been marginal improvement.’ It’s good to hear. I can’t see markers. That’s the problem when you’re in the thick of it. I can see that I’m turning into a big butterball though. Medication is great, but most medication comes at the cost of increasing your waistline, even though like most people in the thick of a depressive episode, you hardly eat anything. How the f_ck that happens I’m not sure. But it’s not fair. I told the dr that these anti psychotics are great for me, they have a good history of working for me, but they also have a history of fattening me up like an Xmas Turkey. And after a month of taking an increased dose, I’m already feeling weight coming back quickly. And the thing with depression is that I severely lack motivation to head out to the gym and if anyone writes to me about the correlation between exercise and mental health, I might have to do evil voodoo spells about you. We all know what the leaflets says. And when I’m in a good headspace I will be back to the good healthy gym going bunny I have been in the past. But for now, I’m too busy being a mother of 4, and trying not to stick my head in the microwave.

So, we’ve agreed to the ceiling of 400mg of quietiepine and I’m going back to trusty old lithium as a mood stabiliser. So that’s lots of blood testing and a whole new regime of self care. But at least it should stop my mood from dropping again. I had hoped to avoid that again, but it wasn’t meant to be. My brain clearly can’t be trusted to regulate itself. Gradually I can come off of the quietiepine. That’s a good thing.

Generally I’m feeling a bit fed up with things. It’s Easter weekend this week and we’re heading away for the weekend out of the city and I’m really looking forward to it. I need a change of scenery.

My daughters principle is being a real wanker. It all started when they were in after school care and a 14 year old boy from a different school expressed an unhealthy interest in my 7 year old daughter, and there was no supervision. A cleaner intervened when my daughter lifted her skirt to him. And my daughter got told off. Er, HELL NO! I was as at the school quicker than anything to have a word with the principle. Firstly, my daughter is 7 and not to blame, second, why are my children unsupervised during a paid for supervised after school care programme, thirdly, why is the cleaner intervening, and fourthly, who the hell is this boy on school grounds?

The principle didn’t appreciate my no nonsense approach. He looked to my husband. He is the sort of principle that has mothers draping themselves over him, but isn’t used to a mother tearing a few strips off of him. He got defensive. He really is a small silly man. We went to the board of trustees. We had a meeting. My recommendations were more teachers, currently it can be anything around 35/40 kids and 2 teachers, they have no idea where the kids are, it’s poorly managed. And no one knew who this older kid was, I wanted his identity found out a trespass order notice issued and the police notified. I just think he, and his parents need to be spoken to. I’m frankly shocked that the principle could show such a lack of knowledge and such a obvious show of victim blaming culture.

Anyway, the board and trustees and the ministry of education have been very supportive. Since then the principle just likes to pick at me wherever possible. Usually where I stop the car to drop the kids off. It’s petty stuff. Its like he wants to reinforce his position at the school. Or his manhood or something. Unfortunately I have this capacity for resorting back to my own school days when I see him. A natural disregard for him and his authority.

So I’m just ticking along. Locking horns with the local hick principle. Living around my routines. Hoping to experience some joy. Hoping to get some passion back. Wishing I didn’t feel so tired.

Meh, I bore myself.


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